John Steed – An Authorized Biography, Volume One: Jealous in Honour
by Tim Heald
pub 1977
A fictional biography about the lead character in the sixties` television show “The Avengers”. The book is faintly reminiscent of John Pearson`s Bond biography. Bond only appears in one chapter:
“One factor which seems to have contributed to John`s unhappiness at this time was the bullying which was an unfortunate feature of life in the school – or at least in those circles in which Steed moved. The main bully was a boy called Bond, later to achieve a certain notoriety in a career not totally unlike Steed`s. Indeed their paths were to cross several times in adult life, seldom with profitable results. Although Bond was only two or so years older than Steed (a fact which will doubtless be disputed by Bond and his cronies) he was a great deal bigger. One of his fetishes was to make smaller boys stir his evening mug of cocoa for him, just as in later life he was to make a laughable affectation out of his insistence on dry martini cocktails being stirred rather than shaken (author`s error–ed). One day he demanded that Steed perform this service. Steed refused. Bond again insisted.
“Who the h*** do you think you are?” enquired Steed, suggesting at the same time that he should pick on someone his own size.
“Bond, James Bond,” replied the bully, clearly expecting young Steed to fall grovelling at his feet.
“Well, Bond,” said Steed evenly, “If you`d like to present yourself behind the Fives Courts by Jordan in half an hour`s time I`ll show you in the only language you apparently understand, precisely why I have no intention of stirring your rotten cocoa.”
Alas, poor Bond! He had never heard of the Bodger business at Lydeard Lodge. Thirty minutes later he was waiting behind the fivescourts, aglow with cocky truculence. Thirty-five minutes later he was being half dragged home by two of his familiars, his jaw and his ego both equally badly bruised. Yet even this success made little difference to Steed`s happiness. He continued to find Eton not to his taste.*
“Hartington Rowse was a senior beak, and insisted on being present at the Bill for CA Elliot`s first few halves to show him the ropes. His influence was draconian. Later in 1936, when he expelled James Bond for the more commonplace Etonian offence of getting a boys` maid into trouble, Elliot had managed to get rid of his unwelcome companion at will.” [Chapter 4, “Eton”]