The Austin Powers movie series is well known for lovingly spoofing the Bond series. It`s whole premise is virtually based on every well known cliche about 007. But it may come as a surprise to some that James Bond actually did do battle with Dr. Evil in a very short story published in a Chicago-based magazine circa 1975. Nick Kincaid rummages through 25 years of archived material to unearth this gem:

“Exclusive – Four unpublished early masterpieces

Now that it`s becoming the fashion to dig out the juvenile works of famous writers, MILES KINGTON jumps on the bandwagon with a quartet of previously unknown works of genius.

Other titles:
The Case of the Missing Navy, by Conan Doyle aged 13
Death at Tea Time, by Ernest Hemingway aged 14
Lord Arthur Wentworth`s Blackboard, by Oscar Wilde aged 15

Dr Evil
By Ian Fleming, aged 14 1/2

James Bond strode into the hallway of Dr Evil`s house, wearing an immaculate school blazer which had been made for him by Jacob Schneider of Lucerne, which I think is in Switzerland, and asked the receptionist to tell Dr Evil that James Bond had come to see him.

“Dr Evil?” she said into the phone. “There is a boy called Bond to see you.”

“Who is almost 17,” said James.

“Who is only 17,” she said. “Yes, sir. Will you take the lift to the third floor?”

When Bond left the lift at the third floor he found himself face to face with Dr Evil, a squat, ugly, horrible little man who was uncannily like a certain schoolmaster.

“What can I do for you, Master Bond?” he said leering.

Bond felt in his pocket casually to check that his 2 1/2 lb catapult, made of choice elm wood by a master craftsman in Bond Street, which is a very important street near Piccadilly, was loaded. He only used the very best conkers, imported from his aunt in Ireland, which was better than most aunts who only sent you book tokens.

“I think you know what I have come for, ” he said coolly, no, icily.

“You have my replica authentic Japanese destroyer which fires real hara-kiri aeroplanes, which you confiscated for your own devilish ends. Sir.”

The face of Dr Evil went pale and he reached for his poison gun, but before he could pull it out Bond had pounced. At lightning speed he fastened the evil man in a half-Nelson, gave him a Chinese burn, did a quick knuckle-crusher and punched him in the nose. Dr Evil sank lifeless to the ground, only he wasn`t really dead. Like a flash, Bond entered the nearest room. There, on the bed, was the most fantastic blonde, really smashing, with no clothes on at all, if you know what I mean, like in books. There, on the table was his authentic Japanese destroyer.

“Who are you?” she gasped huskily gazing at the handsome stranger.

“I am James Bond and I am 16 3/4,” he said in as low a voice as possible. “I have just killed your friend Dr Evil, but he will live.”

He strode to the table and picked up the destroyer. Before he left the room he turned to the girl, well, woman, and said:

“You will get cold lying around with no clothes on, anyway it looks silly, whatever they say in books. I would get a dressing gown on if I were you.

Moments later there came the distinctive sound of Bond`s super three-speed-gear Raleigh as he pedalled away down the drive.”

[This first appeared in The Critic, Fall 1975, copyright (c) 1975 by The Thomas More Association]