by: Cyril Connolly (1963)

A parody. Only published in the UK. M has the hots for Bond, orders him into drag, then tricks him into bed. Seriously. Features Bond, M, May, and Lolita Ponsonby (Bond`s secretary in the early Fleming novels; here she`s a Lesbian).

FIRST PUBLISHED:
1963, London Magazine

REPRINTED:
1963, Previous Convictions
1984, Faber Book of Parodies

LOCATIONS:
-Bond`s flat
-MI6 Headquarters
-Armoury (in basement)
-Studio off Kinnerton Street
-Local Cinema
-Kitchener Social Club, Lower Belgrave Mews, SW
-General Count Apraxin`s flat

VILLAIN:
General Count Apraxin (M) aka Vladimir Mischitch (“Just call me Vladimir; the accent is on the second syllable.”)

VILLAIN`S PLAN:
-subversive nookie

WOMEN (BIOLOGICAL ONLY):
-The new hat-check girl from “the Moment Of Truth”
-Ms Loelia (Lolita) Ponsonby (aka Robin)

VEHICLES:
-a souped up Pierce Arrow: 31 open tourer with two three-piece windscreens

GADGETS (AND OTHER ACCESSORIES):
-child`s water pistol with a small screw-top ink-bottle full of some transparent liquid
-jockstrap
-chestnut wig
-artificial eyelashes
-Large foam rubber falsies with electronic self-erecting nipples – pink for blondes, brown for brunettes, round or pear-shaped (“Round, for Christ`s sake!” “I bet you could give someone a good butt in the eye with those charleys.”)
-Black-moire brassiere (“There should be room for a guy to get his hand up under the bra and have a good riffle.”)
-slinky black lace panties
-black satin evening skirt with crimson silk blouse suspended low on the shoulder
-a blue mink scarf
-black stockings
-black shoes with red stilettos
-high heels
-evening bag
-powder-puff
-couple of lipsticks
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-pack of cigarettes (Senior Service)
-long cane holder
-costume jewellery
-charm bracelet
-membership card for the Kitchener Social Club
-pocket mirror
-tortoiseshell comb
-enamel compact
-box of eye make-up with a tiny brush
-mascara
-black eye-shadow

HELPERS:
-Armourer
-Miss Haslip (actually, just a confused man)
-Colin Mount

BOND`S ALIAS:
-Gerda Blond

HIGHLIGHTS:
-M`s assignment
-haberdashery
-cinema (showing “La Dolce Vita”)
-nightclub
-General Count Apraxin`s flat
-taxi ride

BOND`S FOOD AND DRINKS:
-six eggs (five don`t boil right)
-thin finger of wholemeal toast
-Blue Mountain coffee
-Club sandwich
-Eggs Omdurman
-Sirdar Special (drink)
-Tattinger Blanc de blancs, `52
-Old Grandad

BAD PUNS:
-“And if the pace gets too hot?” “Then you must pull out.”
-“That`s my comma.” “I`m afraid I make more use of the colon.”
-“If it had been anyone else I might have urged you to leave the country but with modern methods of eliciting information you would be blown in a day.”

GOOD PUNS:
-“And now perhaps you`d better leave me, 007; I shall have one or two reports to make.”

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
-And remember: “Do be careful in the loo. That`s where nearly all the mistakes are made.”