In our never-ending quest to get the latest information that could be learned about Bond20, 007Forever decided to forego it’s usual list of reliable sources in California and Europe and go straight to the person who assured us they knew what was going to happen in the film even before the producers, writers and director knew: Miss Cleo. You’ve seen her television informercials at 2 a.m. while you’ve been downloading junk off the Internet. Right now she’s the hottest psychic in the world and you can visit her website at www.mycleo.com
In fact, Miss Cleo has officially joined the staff at 007Forever and will be providing you, our faithful visitors and friends, with her uncanny insight into the production of the next James Bond movie. Miss Cleo’s column will appear monthly at 007Forever, unless Miss Cleo ends up in jail because of that nasty lawsuit brought against her by the Attorney General of the State of Missouri. But enough about that! We want to know the latest goings-on in the world of 007, so I had a complimentary tarot card reading and here is what Miss Cleo divulged during our interview/tarot card reading:
MK: How are you doing today, Miss Cleo?
Miss Cleo: Miss Cleo is so tired. I got so many calls today from people wanting dee free Tarot readings. So many people don’t be knowin’ who their babies daddies are. And the girl at dee checkout counter at the WalMart be lyin’ to Miss Cleo! I saw the price of dee Summa’s Eve and dis girl wanted to charge me more! I told her da Tarot says she was gonna get run over wit Miss Cleo’s AMC Pacer if she don’t be changin’ that price back. She didn’t like the free Tarot advice Miss Cleo gave her so she be callin’ her manager over. They trew Miss Cleo out of dee WalMart.
Bad tings be happening to those who cross Miss Cleo! Just ask George Lazenby. But anyway, after this interview i’m going to hit dee ganjah and I know i’ll feel much betta.
MK: Uh, okay. Thanks. Now can we get on to the subject of James Bond?
Miss Cleo: Oh yes. Let me shuffle my deck here. The deck never lies, ya know? (Miss Cleo shuffles her deck, but like Bond in The World Is Not Enough, I ask her to cut the top three cards; she does). Ah, the Death Card. I sense empty movie theaters. Someone is destroying the audience’s notion of what James Bond should be like.
MK: Oh, you must mean Kevin McClory.
Miss Cleo: Yah, mon. He called me a few years ago, askin’ me for some career advice. I told him Never Say Never Again wuz goin’ to make him ah big Hollywood producer. Today I got a package in dee mail from him. It was a pig’s heart with a nail staked trew da center. Ya tink he’s tryin’ to tell me sumthin’?
MK: Probably, but forget about him. Everyone else has. Tell us about the next Bond film? What will the title be?
Miss Cleo: Final Assignment.
MK: Final Assignment?
Miss Cleo: Final Assignment.
MK: Are you sure? How can that be?
Miss Cleo: I’m tellin’ ya, the cards show that the next Bond film is goin’ to be called “Final Assignment”. The cards, plus I read the script for it at www.bond20.com. So who you gonna believe? Bond20.com and myself, or Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli?
MK: You, of course. I just can’t understand why the producers would lie about the title of the next film.
Miss Cleo: You call it a lie, I call it fudgin’ wit da trooth. In many ways, the producers and I are a lot alike. Luckily I be makin’ lots of money because so many people call me for Tarot readings. Sometimes Miss Cleo feels bad for messin wit people’s emotions and making dem tink they can’t do anyting without calling Miss Cleo. Barbara and Michael are da same, mon. They make da fans feel like day can’t live wit out 008 in their lives.
MK: You mean 007?
Miss Cleo: Yeah, whatever.
MK: Okay, so we know that the title of the next film is FINAL ASSIGNMENT. Who will star in it?
Miss Cleo: I’ll have to use my crystal ball for that question. The future is very hazy mon. I can’t see much.
MK: Would $20 help?
Miss Cleo: Yes, suddenly the haze is gone and I can see for certain that Pierce Connery will play the role of 007.
MK: You mean Pierce Brosnan?
Miss Cleo: Yeah, whatever.
MK: Who else will star in it?
Miss Cleo: Arnold Vosloo.
MK: But you didn’t even look at the cards or into your crystal ball to find that answer. How can you be so sure?
Miss Cleo: I checked your website out before da interview, but don’t be tellin’ your readers dat, okay? It could destroy my reputation.
MK: Who will be the new Bond Girl?
Miss Cleo: Oh, wit out a doubt, Whitney Houston!
Miss Cleo: Oh yes. Let me tell ya how I know. We had a party last night at ma mansion in Miami and we partied wit J-Lo…and Ricky Martin was there with his boyfriend…and of course Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown showed up. I gave Whitney a free tarot readin’ which revealed she will star in the next Bond film, and then Miss Whitney tried to slip Miss Cleo some coke, baby. But Miss Cleo say: “Just say no to drugs”.
By the way, have you seen my bong? I seem to have misplaced it.
MK: Ummm…okay, well what is the plot of the new film going to be about?
Miss Cleo: Can’t tell. Very hard when you get the Page of Pentacles and the Page of Swords. I see action in the film; that much I can tell you. I still like watchin movies, babies, even if i know what’s gonna happen at dee end. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that James Bond saves the world at the last minute and lives to tell another tale.
MK: But isn’t that kind of predictable?
Miss Cleo: Didn’t you see Tomorrow Never Dies, babies? Nothing gets more predictable dan dat. You dawn’t need to be psychic to predict how dat movie is gonna end.
MK: So the movie is called Final Assignment, stars Pierce Brosnan and Whitney Houston…what kind of car will 007 drive in Bond20?
Miss Cleo: I am seeing the letters B….M….W. Dat’s all I can tell ya mon. Dee spirits are saying BMW, whatever that means, and i’d stake my life on what the spirits tell me. So you can tell your readers that Miss Cleo knows for a certainty 007 will be driving a BMW in the next movie. I’m dyin’ if i’m lyin’.
MK: Great. What else can you tell us?
Miss Cleo: In case you guys haven’t been watching your televisions lately I should tell you I got all kinds of new commercials on, mon. One of dem says you can win a trip to Florida to meet me. Lemme tell you, babies, dat’s a lie. Dey made me say dat one night after lacing my ganga with some PCP. Don’ enter dat contest; it be a trap!
MK: Can we please get back to talking about James Bond?
Miss Cleo: Oh yeah, here are some other predictions: The Devil Card. Now that means that the filming of da movie is going to be plagued with problems. I see poorly written female roles played by nubile, struggling actresses young enough to be Pierce Brosnan’s daughter. I consulted the Tarot again and the Page of Wands tells me dat da movie will be heavy wit da special effects and lite on da plot.
MK: But isn’t that the way all the James Bond films are?
Miss Cleo: Look, do you want your free Tarot reading or do you want to keep flapping that wordhole of yours? Pipe down. Speaking of pipes…I still can’t find my bong.
MK: Okay, we’re cool. What else do you see?
Miss Cleo: Well, the Chariot Card shows the wheels coming off. That means da production is going to unravel and shut down for a period of time, most likely because of the lawsuit I predict Kevin McClory will file again next year. You know what they say mon? The millionth time is da charm!
MK: But the official Bond film, Final Assignment, will get made, right?
Miss Cleo: Yes, because Kevin McClory’s lawsuit will be dasmissed for the millionth and one time. I predict that Final Assignment will be released in the United States on November 15, 2002. And if you don’t believe me, ask the studio head of MGM, because that’s what he told me as I was getting prepared for dis interview.
MK: What kind of reviews will the movie get?
Miss Cleo: It doesn’t take a psychic to answer that.
MK: Then what are we paying you for?
Miss Cleo: As I was saying, da movie will get mixed reviews, but da fans won’t care because dey gobble up everytang related to James Bong no matta how bad or how good tit is. Pierce Brosnan’s fourth Bond film will be his biggest yet, and make da most money of any of his films. Miss Cleo predicts he should stop making anymore James Bong films after Final Assignment lest he contract Roger Moore Syndrome.
MK: Is there anything else you would like to say?
Miss Cleo: Yes, can anyone recommend a good relaxer for mah hair? It’s out of control! Dee Tarot ain’t helpin much, mon, it just say yo woman is cheatin! She told you she was a nurse that worked da nite shift at the hospital, but da trooth is she’s a crack ho’ and a prostitute. Where did ya think she was getting all that money to buy you those lavish gifts mon? And her beeper and cell phone ringing constantly, 24/7? She’s been trifling mon. She played you. Neva lie to Miss Cleo. Da cards reveal all.
MK: A little too much, i’m afraid. 007Forever would like to thank you for your psychic insight into the production of the next James Bond film and look forward to hearing from you in the future.
Miss Cleo: Your welcome, mon. Miss Cleo is so happy she has all dees 005Forever friends.
MK: You mean 007Forever?
Miss Cleo: Yeah, whatever. Dee spirits tell Miss Cleo all your readers are wonderful, wonderful people. Well, except for a couple of you are real jerks. I’m sensing some really frightening evil in the Chicago area…
MK: Thank you Miss Cleo. That will be all!
Miss Cleo: Until next time, sweeties! Buh-bye!