My Name’s Clinton, Bill Clinton.

In a move that can only be described as STUNNING, MGM Studios announced Friday, June 29th, 2001, that former President of the United States, Bill Clinton, will take over the role of James Bond from Pierce Brosnan effective immediately.

Publicity photos, like the one shown to the left, have already been distributed to the press. Inside sources say that even though Brosnan’s 3 films had grossed over $1 billion, producers balked at the decision to pay him the $20 million dollars he was asking for to do the next film. “We basically got Clinton for a song”, said longtime Bond producer Barbara Broccoli. “In fact, i’m not even sure we’re paying him. All I mentioned was that he would have to have sex with several different women, none of whom were his wife, and before I could even finish my sentence, he had signed the contract. I still don’t know what we’re paying him.” “We plan on doubling the amount of women Bond snogs in his next film. I think the most he ever had was four or five in one film. We’re prepared to have Clinton’s Bond snog at least eight or nine,” said Corwin Feldman, Head of Production at MGM. “Also, Clinton’s Bond will be the first one to be tested for and come up positive for Herpes. We thought it would be more realistic in this day and age for Bond, just like Clinton, to have a sexually transmitted disease.”

Debbie McWilliams, longtime casting director for the Bond films, tells 007Forever that Miss Moneypenny will soon be getting a new assistant: an intern at MI6. “We haven’t been casting for the role yet, but obviously of course Monica Lewinsky is high on our list of actresses we’d like to audition. McWilliams put to bed rumors that Roger Clinton will turn up as Felix Leiter. “That is absolutely untrue. He’ll be in the film as Jack Wade, provided he doesn’t relapse into his cocaine addiction by then” McDonalds has already expressed interest in doing cross promotional tie-is with the next Bond movie.

“We’d like to release an adult version of the Happy Meal when the next Bond film comes out, said Terry Walsh, CEO of McDonalds. “The adult version of the Happy Meal will come with a Big Mac, large order of fries, large coke and a very naughty toy.”

New York (D) Senator- Hillary Rodham Clinton expressed her desire to play “M” should Judi Dench not return to the role. On her way to a bra burning rally at Wellsley College, Ms. Rodham released this statement to the press: “It is with great pride and pleasure that Chelsea and I can support Bill in his new job. Thank God he finally has one. I thought he’d never get out of the house. I look forward to taking, er, um, I mean, accepting the role of “M” should something untimely happen to Mrs. Dench before filming gets started. I’ve always bossed Bill around. Everyone knows I was the President during his 8 year term. Heck, they should have impeached me. Now i’ll get to boss 007 around. Oh, I mean of course, as long as nothing happens to Mrs. Dench in the next few months that would incapacitate her from playing the role herself.”

007Forever reporters already have found President Clinton’s dedication to learning his craft refreshing. 007Forever reporters spotted President Clinton rehearsing love scenes with several different women in his trailer on the MGM lot, despite the fact that the film is not officially in production. Apparently, the new movie will call for a midget, as one was spotted going into President Clinton’s trailer surrounded by several nubile young women. Our reporters were not allowed to go inside the trailer, but we can tell you it was rocking for several hours. The desire to have an American play Bond is not something new. MGM has put pressure on EON before to hire actors such as Burt Reynolds or Tom Cruise to portray the world’s most dashing spy.

The films, if nothing else, have become more Americanized with each passing film. “We think an American Bond is something that the whole world will be able to relate to”, says Producer Michael Wilson in an exclusive interview with 007Forever. “Barbara and I were going over story line ideas about how to make Bond 20 topical and current and once the decision to hire Clinton was made, we both came up with the scenario: ‘What if M pardoned Blofeld? ‘ So Bond 20 will find 007 taking matters into his own hands as he seeks revenge against Blofeld from Norway, to Kenya, to Australia. It’s going to be the biggest, baddest, most outrageous Bond yet.”

In related news, Kevin McClory has filed a lawsuit to stop production, which begins in December, from taking place. “It’s an abomination what they are trying to do to the character of James Bond that I created,” said McClory, reclining comfortably from his home with one foot in the grave. “I created Bond and Blofeld. MGM, nor EON has the right to make any Bond movies featuring James Bond or Blofeld. I’m going to sue them for the 23rd time and gosh dang it, this time i’m going to win! Can someone please help me find my dentures?.”

The next Bond film, tentatively titled “From Norway, With Herpes”, is set to begin filming in late December.

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