James Bond Dies!

By curious quirk of fate, it seems there was a crisis brewing in the South China Sea. EON Productions reported yesterday that the dashing secret agent known as “007” has passed on.

It is not yet known whether he succumbed to intense ennui or merely multiple veneral diseases from his lothario lifestyle. MI-6 leaked an obituary for the greatest spy who ever lived. The eulogy was printed in the London Financial Times under the name “James Stock” and burial was at sea. A full British Naval display was in attendance. The deceased’s coffin was oddly shaped with a protrusion which looked like scuba gear. Professors Bechmann and Markovitz were also in attendance. Also Timothy Dalton, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan attended the funeral but not Sean Connery or George Lazenby. Neither of them could be reached for comment. Dalton was heard to say to an adoring crowd that “LTK rocks, baby! Yes, yes, rock on! Casino Royale in 2002! Peace, out!”

“We will simply assign the name “James Bond” and the “Agent Oh-Oh-Seven designation” to another ‘fella,” a source at MI-6 was heard to say. “That’s what we always do, anyway,” the source went on to report. “And you know what, 006 was always better. And that crazy 008! Don’t get me started! Everytime seven screwed up something royally, Sir Miles would threaten that 008 would be called in to replace James Bond. Frankly, I think they’re all insane. Cheers.”

EON and MGM have responded to MI-6’s news since their initial obituary announcement in the Times with the exciting news that they will simply make ANOTHER formulaic Bond film of some sort starring Vic Armstrong as a leading stunt coordinator. Some guy named “PB” will be called in for shots when lighting doubles aren’t standing in.

“Let’s face it…Bill Clinton could take over this role and people would still buy tickets. We’re delighted that the moviegoing public has always accepted all the marvelous actors placed in the role of Bond. They have never calculated 007’s true age or relevance to contemporary culture or even the fathomlessly remote possibility of a actual secret agent who 1) drives an Aston Martin at breakneck speeds through London, 2) is known by all his enemies on sight and 3) wears $5,000 Brioni tuxedos on his civil servant’s pay,” said a gleeful MGM spokesperson. “And no more hollowed-out volcanoes or Mr. Goldfinger’s twin brothers on our watch, by gum. We want Bond to be REAL.”

More than $500 million in advertising tie-ins are planned including those vehicle manufacturers blissfully hoping to see their new luxury sports cars demolished on screen. This calculates to approximately $1 million per film frame or $0.000001 per advertising impression via future DVD rentals. “We’re honored to have the world’s greatest spy perpetually demolish our…beautiful…new…cars, AND their beverage cup holders,” said “R” (codename for an anonymous source at MI-6).

Meanwhile, a representative from a major European car manufacturer has stated that they are “…Pleased ‘zat the typical wealthy and death-wish ridden consumer actually buys more cars from ‘zose companies who have ‘zeir cars cut in half, blown up or otherwise pulped by ‘ze James Bont, ‘ze double-oh-seven.”

How old is the latest incarnation of 007? Since Bond looked grimly some eight years ahead to retirement in Ian Fleming’s Moonraker novel, fictional (?) events thought to have taken place in 1952, the real, fake James Bond (not the bird watching fellow) would today be 86 years old, thus making EVERY Bond a “retro” film. This gallant, very senior and very civil servant would also drive a Bently, golf with a handicap of 8, drink a fifth of liquor nightly, and smoke 70-odd unfiltered cigarettes each day. Who says old age brings ennui?

In any case, we look forward to Brosnan and company kicking some serious tail in Bond 20. Bond is dead–long live Bond! You go, boy!

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