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Top Ten Rejected Script Redrafts: Author’s Revenge

From Our “Writing Past Wrongs” Department!

10. BOND – “Well, what genius gadgets do you have for me this time, Q?”
[beat] Q – “Nothing. Do some work for a change.”

9. KOSKOV – “McDonald’s Big Mac, the best!” [beat] BOND – “The brand on the list was questionable, sir. So I took the liberty of choosing something else.”

8. M – [from interior of plane above Rock of Gibraltar] “Gentlemen, this may only be an exercise as far as the Ministry of Defense is concerned. But for me, it is a matter of pride that you have been chosen to demonstrate Suzanne Sommers’ new buttocks reducing machine.”

7. MOMMY – “Hi, I’m Mommy.” BOND – “But of course you are.” MOMMY – “Mommy O’ Mia!” BOND – “Named after your father, perhaps.”

6. BOND – [Scowling in Moneypenny’s direction] “Sir, I have the honor to request, you will accept, my resignation, effective forthwith, from our regular tiddlywinks foursome at the St. James Club…”

5. QUARREL – “Crab cakes scare me plenty! Friend of mine, went up to Dr. No’s place once for seafood. Only trouble is, they never come back again.”

4. BOND – “My dear girl, there are some things that just aren’t done. Such as drinking Dom Perignon ’53, without a twinkie for a chaser, or some lovely Oreo cookies. That’s almost as bad as listening to the GoldenEye soundtrack without earmuffs.”

3. BLOFELD – “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Ernst…Stavro…Blofeld…they told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong?” BOND – “Not quite. I simply ingested some rather alarming Chinese Takeaway there. Luckily, Q provided Alka Seltzer for just such an emergency.” BLOFELD – [still soft spoken to Bond] “You only burp twice, Mr. Bond…”

2. BOND – “Whoever she was, I must have scared The Living In Harmony With The Wetlands, Volume II out of her…”

1. TREVELYAN – “…But where your parents had the luxury of dying in a climbing accident…my parents survived the British betrayal, and…” BOND – [annoyed] “Luxury? Sorry? Sorry? To have no parents and live with old Aunt Charmian at age twelve? Beg your pardon, bruddah?!”

Top Ten Rejected 007 Movie Titles

“The Name Is Bomb, James Bomb”

10. Mo` Moneyraker

9. The World’s Best Secret Agent Whose Name Everyone Knows At The Grocery Store

8. Moneypenny, Let`s Shag

7. Brosnan`s Millions

6. Real Men In Jumpsuits

5. Bond Gets An Appendectomy

4. From A View To A Look See

3. You Only Shag Twice

2. Blunder Ball

1. The Man With The Golden Stump

Buy Your See-Thru Glasses Now Online!

10. Sophie Marceau as Elektra King

9. See Above

8. Villains just don`t have bullets in their heads like they used to

7. 88% of Bond fans can`t be wrong

6. Women make passes at spies who wear glasses

5. They made more Bond movies before this one?

4. Travel with MI-6 and “Ski the World”

3. “I`m having some trouble with a banker…”

2. It`s the only Bond movie you can see on a giant screen this week

1. After this one, you might even say, “Pierce Brosnan IS James Bond”

Top Ten Reasons Best Movie Is Goldfinger

With A Tip of the Bowler to Messrs. Lee Pfeiffer, Kees Boer and Craig Chenery (Goldfinger is their fave.)

10. Connery as Bond

9. See above

8. Villains just don’t play golf like they used to

7. The Queen Mother, Queen Elizabeth, and the Royal House can’t be wrong about their favorite flick

6. What’s-his-name, the henchman with the steel hat that he throws

5. Gals Galore

4. What’s-its-number, some car that shoots water from a hose in the next one

3. I laughed, I cried, I kissed 30 bucks goodbye for the 30th Anniversary showing in LA

2. They make an excellent bourbon and branch water in Kentucky

1. They made more Bond movies?

Top Ten Quips From Roger Moore As Bond

Like… it was hard to pick only ten!

10. I imagine you spend quite a lot of time in the saddle.

9. I was a little restless at first, but I got off eventually.

8. No ma`am, I`m with the economy tour.

7. Well, I`d heard that the price of eggs was going up, but isn`t that a little high?

6. If it`s `69 you were expecting me!

5. Trifle overpowering your scent!

4. Egyptian builders!

3. Speak now or forever hold your piece!

2. Butterhook!

1. As you said, such good sport.

Top Ten Quips From James Bond

From Our “Social Graces To Dead Faces” Department

10. The Spy Who Loved Me: “Egyptian builders!”

9. Diamonds Are Forever: “That`s a nice little nothing you`re almost wearing.”

8. Goldfinger: “Shocking. Positively shocking.”

7. Thunderball: “Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She`s just dead.”

6. A View To A Kill: “So, does anyone else want to drop out?”

5. Diamonds Are Forever: “Mrs. Whistler did want some pictures of the canals for the children.”

4. Live and Let Die: “Butterhook.”

3. Moonraker: “I believe he`s attempting re-entry sir.”

2. The Living Daylights: “He got the boot.”

1. Moonraker: “As you said, such good sport.”

Top Ten Proofs Kevin McClory Hired Poor Attorneys

From Our “Law & Disorder” Department

10. Recess pleaded for “due to problems delivering subpoena to Ian Fleming”

9. Keeps threatening, Largo-style, to “put the evil eye” on the Judge

8. Sues newsgroup for claiming Moonraker is a better film than Thunderball

7. Argues in court that all Bond films are essentially remakes of Thunderball including the three films made BEFORE Thunderball.

6. Is preparing justification defense that Kevin McClory is eternal and omniscient

5. Bought all possible “Warhead 2002” Internet domain names so they can sell them back for mint prices

4. Keeps trying to electrocute the Judge in his chair and calls her “Number 11”

3. Will end up sueing us over this top ten list.

2. Feels confident they`ll win because “there`s a first time for everything”

1. Makes motion to drop the THUNDERBALL case to sue AOL instead, claiming Kevin McClory and Al Gore invented and patented the Internet

Top Ten Proofs 007 Is Over Budget

Daniel Craig attending the World Premiere of Spectre, held at the Royal Albert Hall in London. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Monday October 26, 2015. See PA Story: SHOWBIZ Bond. Photo credit should read: Matt Crossick/PA Wire
10. Bond XX retitled “The Man With The Second Mortgage” with “baccarat and chemin de fer at Monte Carlo” tossed out for “to the death penny pitching” against Blofeld

9. Aston Martin traded in for Ricky Martin CD. No BMW this time, just a plastic logo on Bond’s key ring.

8. Bond XX megalomaniac holds world for ransom of “Ed McMahon’s ten million dollars”

7. James Bond marked down to James Penny Stocks in “Diamonds Are Forever” remade as “Zirconium Says I Love You”. “Plenty O’Toole” revamped as “Plenty O’Loose Change.”

6. Shaken martinis abandoned for free water from Rave clubs

5. Computer generated Daniel Kleinman titles discarded for outtakes from MTV videos

4. The World Is Not Only Not Enough, the World Bank is covering Her Majesty’s Losses

3. “Nobody does it better” becomes “Nobody beats MI-6’s prices”

2. “Girls, guns, gadgets galore” becomes “Bond’s World of Discounts”

1. Bond becomes $6.95 marked down from 007

Top Ten Pet Peeves Of 007

For more peeves, visit

10. The revolving door to his bedroom frequently jams up.

9. Having that “not so fresh feeling” right before a romantic interlude.

8. Secret trips to Beverly Hills plastic surgeon between missions aren`t covered in MI6`s health plan.

7. Mistaking your silver bullets for your suppositories.

6. Never able to escape the shadows of the one…the only…the original…the best James Bond: Barry Nelson.

5. Trying to take a whiz in a men`s room urinal, only to be interrupted by George Michael saying “Ah, Mr. Bond, we meet again.”

4. His Aston Martin may be a computerized, kick-butt arsenal of gadgets, but it won`t translate the Taco Bell drive through window worker`s words into English

3. The World Is Not Enough…and neither is the penicillin.

2. Hard to look suave and debonair with your colostomy bag sloshing around in your Brioni tux

1. Pussy Galore = Herpes Galore

Top Ten Locales Fans Crave For A Bond Visit

From Our “It’s A Nice Place For Bond To Visit, But Bond Wouldn’t Want To Live There” Department

10. Austin, TX (also home to Raymond Benson and a location for THE FACTS OF DEATH)

9. Xochmilco, Mexico (the Venice of Mexico and a location in the role playing game GOLDFINGER II)

8. Tibet (a location in the novel HIGH TIME TO KILL)

7. Iceland (second unit work was performed there for A VIEW TO A KILL, but it doubled for Siberia)

6. Vancouver, British Columbia (a location for BROKENCLAW)

5. Antarctica (strangely, fans have asked for this for years)

4. Norway (the Scandinavian countries have gotten short changed in the film series, but John Gardner did put Bond in Finland for ICEBREAKER)

3. Kenya (the game reserves of Kenya or The Congo would make an excellent choice for some exciting adventure. The Dark Continent beckons)

2. Sydney, Australia (an overwhelming fan favorite, but the novelty of working there has taken a hit now that Mission:Impossible 2 has been there/done that.)

1. Hawaii (the lush jungles and active volcanoes make this the perfect backdrop for Shatterhand`s return)

Top Ten Casting Calls We Hope Never To See

From Our “Cast The First Stone” Department

10. Pat Buchanan as “Sheriff J.W. Pepper” (Pepper is less liberal than Buchanan)

9. Ellen Degeneres as “Pussy Galore”

8. Callista Flockhart as “Plenty O’Toole” (The real Plenty, Lana Wood, appeared at Bond Weekend II.)

7. Rosie O’Donnell as “M” (she would emasculate him, then take his gun away!)

6. Billy Bob Thornton as evil henchman, “Sling Blade”

5. Bill Clinton as “James Bond” (he chases more skirt than 007)

4. Verne Troyer as “Mini-Jaws”

3. Dennis Rodman as “Nick Nack”

2. Monica Lewinsky as “Dr. Holly Goodhead”

1. Mel Brooks as “Ernst Stavro ‘Wacky’ Blofeld”

Top Ten Actresses Fans Want Bond To Have Soon

From Our “Stop It! Both Of You…Boys With Toys” Department

10. Elizabeth Shue (Leaving Las Vegas, The Saint)

9. Natasha Henstridge (Species)

8. Lucy Liu (Ally McBeal, Charlie`s Angels)

7. Angelina Jolie (Girl Interrupted, Gone In Sixty Seconds)

6. Halle Berry ( The X-Men, The Flintstones)

5. Ashley Judd (Double Jeaporady)

4. Jerri Ryan (Star Trek: Voyager)

3. Kelly Hu (Martial Law)

2. Salma Hayek (Wild Wild West, 54)

1. Catherine Zeta-Jones (Entrapment, Mask of Zorro)

The Man In The Boat (Mature Audiences Only)

WARNING: This article contains adult subject matter and may not be suitable for all readers. Discretion is advised.

During the 1950`s French film critics – auteurists – elevated Alfred Hitchcock from the level of a mere entertainer to an intellectual filmmaker. They spent countless hours dissecting his films, debating the symbolism. The Bond films themselves contain hidden subtext, yet this aspect of Bond is rarely discussed or examined. The same can and should be done with the Bond films. Let`s face it: there`s isn`t a whole lot left to get out of a Bond film once you`ve sat through it 500, 600, or 700 times.

I don`t think the writers intended these hidden meanings, nor do I think that the film was trying to say anything. The points are just a measure of how cohesive and deeply woven A View To A Kill is. It`s an unusually rich Bond film, much deeper and intellectual than commonly thought. At the very least, you`ll never the see the film in the same light again…

The insect motif makes the brilliant Eiffel Tower set piece internally cohesive. Bond`s quip, “There`s a fly in his soup,” is logical and necessary. Aubergine asks, “Perhaps we should add this butterfly to our collection, non?” Fly-casting kills him moments later. May Day looks vaguely like a cricket or a grasshopper with the fishing rod. On the Eiffel Tower, Bond`s legs get tied up in something resembling a spider`s web. May Day leaps off the Eiffel Tower like a spider. She discards her outer coating like a caterpillar; an earth-bound creature becoming airborne like a butterfly, which is where we started, and her parachute has the same colours as a bumble-bee (and the lethal butterfly that killed Aubergine – he was “stung”).

The Ascot scene questions May Day`s gender. Her physical strength suggests a man. “Who`s there with him under the hat, in the red dress?” Which is perfect, realistic dialogue, and could have been improvised. M replies, “We`re not sure about her” which is a psycho-sexual comment. Notice though that Bond doesn`t say, “Who`s the woman?” During the “Butterfly” routine, May Day and the other black-sheathed figure handle the fishing rod like a male appendage. (It may or may not be appropriate that when she throws her rod at him, Bond is hunched over and takes it in the rear.)

Conley tells Zorin: “But May Day and my men! […] Those men are loyal to you.” This can be read two different ways. One: that May Day is a man, hence “those men” and not “those people”. Two: that May Day isn`t loyal, foreshadowing what soon happens. (The horse race also foreshadows Zorin`s willingness to hurt his own men to further his personal aims.) Zorin tries smooching with her, but it goes nowhere. May Day`s sobs over Jenny`s corpse have distinct sexual overtones – May Day also tears off some of Stacey`s clothes in the mine sequence. A sub-plot emphasizes genetic experiments, a parallel to Q`s computerized pet snooper (and even the tape recorder of Bond`s snoozes). May Day struggles like a horse. The suggestion that both Pegasus and May Day take “Vitamins” suggests hormone supplements and Mortner`s experiments with women in the concentration camps. At one point Bond asks Aubergine, “Could he be using drugs?” (though actually referring to the horses) and the KGB agent calls Zorin a physiological freak. (The famous British WWII mathematician Alan Turing was forced to take hormones and inadvertantly grew breasts during the 1950`s.)

Grace Jones later said while shooting the scene in which she beds Bond that she dropped her robe and had on an “extension” (strap-on prosthetic; artificial penis; dildo), presumably to Roger Moore`s surprise. She mounts Bond (she`s frustrated from her incomplete mating with Zorin – a point that would have played better hadn`t the film been so rushed; I`ve no doubt the writers intended this when they wrote it). Zorin and Mortner examine the hidden laboratory and find the misplaced vial. Suspicion automatically falls on Bond – who is in bed with May Day – because it`s in the wrong hole. In a symbolically clever touch, notice how he grimaces after she gets on top. Zorin, who is also sexually ambiguous himself, is then eager to get Bond in his study first thing in the morning. Another sexual parallel has Zorin and May Day kissing while Bond sucks the tire valve.

There are further gender/identity ambiguities. During the pre-credit sequence Bond himself is emasculated if one treats his skis as phallic symbols – one ski is broken, and he eventually discards them both. Bond carries his pack like a purse over his shoulder after hopping on the skidoo, kicking away his one remaining ski. (I`ll leave it to the reader`s imagination to decide what the red smoke-gun and the red smoke represent.) Later, an aerial flays Bond`s crotch while he dangles from the dirigible. Only at the end does Bond once again emasculate another: Q`s pet snooper, its neck an obvious phallic symbol. Bond throws a towel at it, stopping its tumescence.

Just before Bond goes into Stacey`s house she opens the windows. Once inside, he approaches the washroom, yet she comes out of the closet with a shot-gun, emphasizing masculinity (“Come out real slow.”). Gun play in films often has homo-erotic subtext and the fight between Bond and Zorin`s men, and Bond`s gun having only rock-salt (Stacey`s gun, actually) is yet another sterility motif. Stacey`s cat is named “Pussy”, though in fact it`s male (“I have to feed him” says Stacey). At the film`s end, we see the bowl and just behind it a statue of a dog – and though it`s not immediately relevant, off to one side sits a hobby-horse – suggesting further gender/identity confusion.

Bond says he`s been known to dabble in the kitchen and cooks her a quiche but Real Men Don`t Eat Quiche, or so the book says (by subsequent Bond screenwriter Bruce Feirstein, who co-wrote Pierce Brosnan`s first three Bond films). That night Bond tucks her in and sleeps in the chair – with, interestingly enough symbolically – both the cat and the gun in his lap. Taken figuratively, being both male and female, Bond doesn`t need a bedmate.

Tibbett`s name sounds similar to “tidbit” which is actually a sanitized version of “titbit”, meaning “a delicate or dainty morsel.” (In fact, Bond and Tibbett bicker like two old queens.) On the balcony, Bond says, “Well done, my good man.” Moore`s emphasis is on “good man”, like he`s rubbing it in, or something unsaid is hinted at, implying that Tibbett isn`t a man. “Do we have to keep this up when we`re alone?” “A successful cover becomes almost second nature.” (The symbolism of the two bald men whose hats get knocked off during the firetruck chase should be readily apparent and is relevant.) Tibbett even says, “I might just be able to squeeze you in Bond.”

Bond`s concern when he finds Tibbett dead is that of a lover. If you think I`m reading too much into this consider the scene where Bond tells Tibbett to get into town and call M before the two guards they knocked out identify them. Bond smacks Tibbett on the rear with his riding crop – one of the many horses-as-metaphors-for-humans motifs throughout the film. (Patrick Macnee also portrayed John Steed on the show The Avengers.) Bond confuses the stables with the servants` quarters where Tibbett will be staying. May Day struggles like a female horse during her interrupted encounter with Zorin, even trying to bite him. “It`s time for my morning ride, why don`t you try him out?” Zorin asks, inviting Bond to race horses, though carrying a sexual subtext. Zorin says, “Your mount, Mr. St. John Smythe,” out on the track, as the horse is led to Bond. “What`s his name?”

Bond, Zorin and Jenny Flex, quip about riding and mounts in a distinctly sexual manner. “I love an early morning ride.” “I`m happiest in the saddle.” Even the quip, “A little restless, but I got off eventually” applies equally to horse-riding. Zorin even says to Bond, “As I see it, you need a stallion for breeding.”

During the chateau reception, Mortner talks about selective breeding and Bond asks, “Are you talking about people or horses?” Mortner replies, “My principles apply equally to human beings.” Zorin mentions the 16th century Duke who believed he`d be reincarnated as a horse. Bond asks Stacey, “Are you buying or selling?” Though a sexually laden quip, she explains that she`s not interested in horses. Zorin`s cane, a phallic symbol, injects the horses with steroids.

Bond films frequently emphasize fertility motifs. The map of the San Andreas Fault looks vaguely like a woman`s crotch. The sandy area, once it`s covered in water, will eventually become fertile when the water clears.

Zorin plants a bomb deep in the “womb” of the “fault”, a slight against women`s nether regions (much has been written about women`s parts as being evil or a flaw). That beautiful shot of the ticking bomb against the sacks looks like an egg in an ovarian crevice. Bond skis down a crevice. He also gets caught in the oil rig`s valve path, sucking him back in; the Russian man is eventually sacrificed to it, “Dentata” – the toothed vagina (also an episode in John Pearson`s fictional Bond biography). The Russians try planting a bomb here; compare this to what Zorin does in the other womb symbol. Removing the ticking bomb from the cavern – the seed from the woman`s ovary – further bolsters the fertility/sterility symbolism. Chuck Lee explains that most of the mothers Mortner experimented with in the concentration camps aborted. Removing Zorin`s ticking bomb is in itself “an abortion”.

In a South Park episode, a certain part of a woman`s nether region is referred to as “the man in the boat”, and sure enough just outside the mine entrance… there`s a man in a boat. The watery onslaught is equally symbolic. Women get bloated with water and “balloon up”. Ask any woman, and she`ll tell you that`s how her insides feel when she`s menstruating. The sudden burst of water throughout the mine is, of course, metaphorical menstruation. The saying “Blood is thicker than water” explains why Zorin is loyal primarily to his father figure, Dr Mortner, and not his drowning men.

The earth-shattering explosion outside the mine invokes that sexual phrase about the earth moving. May Day goes out with a “bang”, unable to achieve real sexual satisfaction any other way. And Bond dangles off the dirigible`s mooring rope, an obvious feminine-hygiene string metaphor. Now that the “seed” has been removed from the “fault”, the metaphorical female can menstruate and therefore needs the tampon (dirigible). Remember the Persephone/Hades myth: the earth is only fertile the six months that the maiden (Stacey/Persephone) is above ground.

One final comment. Moneypenny cringes when Bond makes to throw her hat onto the hook. The hat is, of course, a feminine symbol because of its opening, and the hook… you can figure that out yourself. This is interesting given that Bond and Moneypenny`s relationship is never consummated. By whose wishes I wonder?

Not everything is sexual. Visual motifs appear throughout the film:

The film moves from down in the mine, to high up in the sky, an interesting visual contrast. May Day pulls Bond and the ticking bomb up, and moments later, Zorin pulls Bond up on the dirigible`s mooring ropes. (Earlier Bond had pulled Stacey up by a firehose – an obvious phallic symbol.)

Bond carries Stacey down the City Hall ladder and misses a step. Later, in the mine, climbing up the steps, a step breaks, Bond stumbles, and May Day hears. Bond offers to give Tibbett a hand and takes only the umbrella. Later, after knocking out the Zorin truck driver, Bond says, “Give me a hand” and Stacey takes the man`s hat.

Three-quarters of the way through the film (after the firetruck chase) Bond and Stacey stop the Zorin truck driver. “Where`s the fire” “On yer rear end.” Moments later, “Do you know what I`m sitting on?” “I`m trying not to think about it”, which would be a fire on her rear end. (Note that it says “50 lbs”. A nice joke at women`s expense since they often worry whether their behinds are too big.) Bond fires his gun at the rear-end of the woman skidding down the ski slope on her back during John Barry`s credit. The female skier has a fire underneath her, and during the screenwriters` credit, the woman fires the green neon gun at the departing female skier`s rear end.

The firetruck chase has especially interesting visual parallels. The two cop cars collide (“our fenders our locked”, which also has sexual implications), their fronts swinging wildly around, while the ladder at the back of the fire truck is unlocked. The sequence is further ingenious: the two cop cars become unlocked, one spins out of control, slamming into the fire truck and the ladder swings out of its berth, also unlocked. (Bond yelling for Stacey to swing him back this way and that resembles women giving men instructions in bed, moreover Stacey misunderstood what Bond meant when he said, “Here, put your hand on this, the wheel, the wheel.”)

During the Ascot scene, Bond`s quip “rags to riches” is perhaps an indirect slight against May Day`s clothing, which could be said to be the rags (next to Zorin`s riches). A horse is named Inferno; compare this to the shot of the elevator crashing down into the fiery inferno, and later still, that beautifully muted, raging inferno down in the mine as May Day pulls Bond and the ticking bomb up.

At the chateau, Bond has to run and jump at the drawbridge; later on, the cop car is in almost the exact opposite position on the elevated bridge.

Bond steeplechase races Zorin, and later, when he sneaks into Stacey`s house, Bond has to climb over the railing, then climb over the windowsill.

The preceding is only a finger-etching. I should probably give the reader time to get his jaw up off the ground or wipe the tears from his eyes, since there`s much here to contemplate. Though Freud, had he been a Bond fanatic, might have said, “Sometimes a ski chase is only a ski chase.”

The Cards Have Followed You For Me

In our never-ending quest to get the latest information that could be learned about Bond20, 007Forever decided to forego it’s usual list of reliable sources in California and Europe and go straight to the person who assured us they knew what was going to happen in the film even before the producers, writers and director knew: Miss Cleo. You’ve seen her television informercials at 2 a.m. while you’ve been downloading junk off the Internet. Right now she’s the hottest psychic in the world and you can visit her website at

In fact, Miss Cleo has officially joined the staff at 007Forever and will be providing you, our faithful visitors and friends, with her uncanny insight into the production of the next James Bond movie. Miss Cleo’s column will appear monthly at 007Forever, unless Miss Cleo ends up in jail because of that nasty lawsuit brought against her by the Attorney General of the State of Missouri. But enough about that! We want to know the latest goings-on in the world of 007, so I had a complimentary tarot card reading and here is what Miss Cleo divulged during our interview/tarot card reading:

MK: How are you doing today, Miss Cleo?

Miss Cleo: Miss Cleo is so tired. I got so many calls today from people wanting dee free Tarot readings. So many people don’t be knowin’ who their babies daddies are. And the girl at dee checkout counter at the WalMart be lyin’ to Miss Cleo! I saw the price of dee Summa’s Eve and dis girl wanted to charge me more! I told her da Tarot says she was gonna get run over wit Miss Cleo’s AMC Pacer if she don’t be changin’ that price back. She didn’t like the free Tarot advice Miss Cleo gave her so she be callin’ her manager over. They trew Miss Cleo out of dee WalMart.

Bad tings be happening to those who cross Miss Cleo! Just ask George Lazenby. But anyway, after this interview i’m going to hit dee ganjah and I know i’ll feel much betta.

MK: Uh, okay. Thanks. Now can we get on to the subject of James Bond?

Miss Cleo: Oh yes. Let me shuffle my deck here. The deck never lies, ya know? (Miss Cleo shuffles her deck, but like Bond in The World Is Not Enough, I ask her to cut the top three cards; she does). Ah, the Death Card. I sense empty movie theaters. Someone is destroying the audience’s notion of what James Bond should be like.

MK: Oh, you must mean Kevin McClory.

Miss Cleo: Yah, mon. He called me a few years ago, askin’ me for some career advice. I told him Never Say Never Again wuz goin’ to make him ah big Hollywood producer. Today I got a package in dee mail from him. It was a pig’s heart with a nail staked trew da center. Ya tink he’s tryin’ to tell me sumthin’?

MK: Probably, but forget about him. Everyone else has. Tell us about the next Bond film? What will the title be?

Miss Cleo: Final Assignment.

MK: Final Assignment?

Miss Cleo: Final Assignment.

MK: Are you sure? How can that be?

Miss Cleo: I’m tellin’ ya, the cards show that the next Bond film is goin’ to be called “Final Assignment”. The cards, plus I read the script for it at So who you gonna believe? and myself, or Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli?

MK: You, of course. I just can’t understand why the producers would lie about the title of the next film.

Miss Cleo: You call it a lie, I call it fudgin’ wit da trooth. In many ways, the producers and I are a lot alike. Luckily I be makin’ lots of money because so many people call me for Tarot readings. Sometimes Miss Cleo feels bad for messin wit people’s emotions and making dem tink they can’t do anyting without calling Miss Cleo. Barbara and Michael are da same, mon. They make da fans feel like day can’t live wit out 008 in their lives.

MK: You mean 007?

Miss Cleo: Yeah, whatever.

MK: Okay, so we know that the title of the next film is FINAL ASSIGNMENT. Who will star in it?

Miss Cleo: I’ll have to use my crystal ball for that question. The future is very hazy mon. I can’t see much.

MK: Would $20 help?

Miss Cleo: Yes, suddenly the haze is gone and I can see for certain that Pierce Connery will play the role of 007.

MK: You mean Pierce Brosnan?

Miss Cleo: Yeah, whatever.

MK: Who else will star in it?

Miss Cleo: Arnold Vosloo.

MK: But you didn’t even look at the cards or into your crystal ball to find that answer. How can you be so sure?

Miss Cleo: I checked your website out before da interview, but don’t be tellin’ your readers dat, okay? It could destroy my reputation.

MK: Who will be the new Bond Girl?

Miss Cleo: Oh, wit out a doubt, Whitney Houston!

MK: Really?

Miss Cleo: Oh yes. Let me tell ya how I know. We had a party last night at ma mansion in Miami and we partied wit J-Lo…and Ricky Martin was there with his boyfriend…and of course Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown showed up. I gave Whitney a free tarot readin’ which revealed she will star in the next Bond film, and then Miss Whitney tried to slip Miss Cleo some coke, baby. But Miss Cleo say: “Just say no to drugs”.

By the way, have you seen my bong? I seem to have misplaced it.

MK: Ummm…okay, well what is the plot of the new film going to be about?

Miss Cleo: Can’t tell. Very hard when you get the Page of Pentacles and the Page of Swords. I see action in the film; that much I can tell you. I still like watchin movies, babies, even if i know what’s gonna happen at dee end. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that James Bond saves the world at the last minute and lives to tell another tale.

MK: But isn’t that kind of predictable?

Miss Cleo: Didn’t you see Tomorrow Never Dies, babies? Nothing gets more predictable dan dat. You dawn’t need to be psychic to predict how dat movie is gonna end.

MK: So the movie is called Final Assignment, stars Pierce Brosnan and Whitney Houston…what kind of car will 007 drive in Bond20?

Miss Cleo: I am seeing the letters B….M….W. Dat’s all I can tell ya mon. Dee spirits are saying BMW, whatever that means, and i’d stake my life on what the spirits tell me. So you can tell your readers that Miss Cleo knows for a certainty 007 will be driving a BMW in the next movie. I’m dyin’ if i’m lyin’.

MK: Great. What else can you tell us?

Miss Cleo: In case you guys haven’t been watching your televisions lately I should tell you I got all kinds of new commercials on, mon. One of dem says you can win a trip to Florida to meet me. Lemme tell you, babies, dat’s a lie. Dey made me say dat one night after lacing my ganga with some PCP. Don’ enter dat contest; it be a trap!

MK: Can we please get back to talking about James Bond?

Miss Cleo: Oh yeah, here are some other predictions: The Devil Card. Now that means that the filming of da movie is going to be plagued with problems. I see poorly written female roles played by nubile, struggling actresses young enough to be Pierce Brosnan’s daughter. I consulted the Tarot again and the Page of Wands tells me dat da movie will be heavy wit da special effects and lite on da plot.

MK: But isn’t that the way all the James Bond films are?

Miss Cleo: Look, do you want your free Tarot reading or do you want to keep flapping that wordhole of yours? Pipe down. Speaking of pipes…I still can’t find my bong.

MK: Okay, we’re cool. What else do you see?

Miss Cleo: Well, the Chariot Card shows the wheels coming off. That means da production is going to unravel and shut down for a period of time, most likely because of the lawsuit I predict Kevin McClory will file again next year. You know what they say mon? The millionth time is da charm!

MK: But the official Bond film, Final Assignment, will get made, right?

Miss Cleo: Yes, because Kevin McClory’s lawsuit will be dasmissed for the millionth and one time. I predict that Final Assignment will be released in the United States on November 15, 2002. And if you don’t believe me, ask the studio head of MGM, because that’s what he told me as I was getting prepared for dis interview.

MK: What kind of reviews will the movie get?

Miss Cleo: It doesn’t take a psychic to answer that.

MK: Then what are we paying you for?

Miss Cleo: As I was saying, da movie will get mixed reviews, but da fans won’t care because dey gobble up everytang related to James Bong no matta how bad or how good tit is. Pierce Brosnan’s fourth Bond film will be his biggest yet, and make da most money of any of his films. Miss Cleo predicts he should stop making anymore James Bong films after Final Assignment lest he contract Roger Moore Syndrome.

MK: Is there anything else you would like to say?

Miss Cleo: Yes, can anyone recommend a good relaxer for mah hair? It’s out of control! Dee Tarot ain’t helpin much, mon, it just say yo woman is cheatin! She told you she was a nurse that worked da nite shift at the hospital, but da trooth is she’s a crack ho’ and a prostitute. Where did ya think she was getting all that money to buy you those lavish gifts mon? And her beeper and cell phone ringing constantly, 24/7? She’s been trifling mon. She played you. Neva lie to Miss Cleo. Da cards reveal all.
MK: A little too much, i’m afraid. 007Forever would like to thank you for your psychic insight into the production of the next James Bond film and look forward to hearing from you in the future.

Miss Cleo: Your welcome, mon. Miss Cleo is so happy she has all dees 005Forever friends.

MK: You mean 007Forever?

Miss Cleo: Yeah, whatever. Dee spirits tell Miss Cleo all your readers are wonderful, wonderful people. Well, except for a couple of you are real jerks. I’m sensing some really frightening evil in the Chicago area…

MK: Thank you Miss Cleo. That will be all!

Miss Cleo: Until next time, sweeties! Buh-bye!

The Bondie Awards

Hollywood (Reuters) – All of Hollywood turned their attention to 007Forever, Sunday, March 25th, 2001 as the 1st Annual “Bondies” were handed out. The Bondies celebrate the best, and worst, in 007 cinematic achievement. Recipients of the Best Artistic and Technical awards received a 6-inch tall, 24 karat, gold-plated statuette of the classic tuxedoed action icon while winners of the “Worst” categories received their prize, a check for a $1.98 and a hard-plastic, metallic-gold, spray-painted statuette, at a star-studded, all-you-can-eat buffet dinner hosted by Shoney`s.

Though few stars nominated for the WORST categories showed up, a couple did manage to come in and take advantage of the all-you-can-eat buffet. Icebreaker hosted the event and got the evening off to a hot start by announcing the winner of the WORST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING OR SUPPORTING ROLE.

Folks, it was not even a competition. It was a massacre. Tanya Roberts handily won this category witha whopping 60% of the vote total. Poor Denise Richards could only garner a measly 27% of the vote. Talisa Soto, Mie Hama, and Akiki Wakabayashi were way behind in single digits.

Mrs. Roberts was also our first inductee into the 007Forever Hall of Shame for a performance so bad that it literally brings tears of pain to the eyes of everyone who watches it 16 years later. Ms. Roberts, accompanied to the stage by her husband, accosted Icebreaker and angrily grabbed the plastic statuette and check out of his hands. She said: “You can take this check and sho-“. Before she could finish her sentence, her husband interrupted: “Don`t bother Tanya. He`s a psychopath.” Moving on…

The award for WORST PERFORMANCE BY AN INANIMATE OBJECT was Sean Connery`s toupee in Never Say Never Again, winning a staggering vote total of 75%.

For WORST ACTOR, the race was only slightly closer. Sausage king Jimmy Dean led the pack with over 40% of the votes, while Alan Cummings and Michael Lonsdale race a close second with 19% and 20% of the votes respectively. Christopher Lee and Curt Jurgens were a distant 4th and 5th place.

WORST ORIGINAL SCORE was another blowout. Michael LeGrand handily beat his competition with more than half of all ballots cast. Eric Serra had a strong second place showing, but both David Arnold, Bill Conti and Michael Kamen were in distant 3rd, 4th and 5th place.

WORST TITLE OR THEME SONG was extremely close, with Eric Serra`s Experience of Love running neck and neck with Lani Hall`s Never Say Never Again but in the end, Eric Serra won out. The deciding vote was cast by Jeremy Schabow. Yes folks, the race was that tight.

WORST SCREENPLAY was a bit closer, but Casino Royale still managed to win that contest by 11 percentage points. Never Say Never Again came in with 30% of the vote. LTK, TND and TMWTGG were far behind.

WORST DIRECTOR was another blowout. Irvin Kershner easily won that honor with a whopping 42% of the vote. Everyone else was a distant 2nd through 5th place.

WORST FILM was somewhat a suprise, as most picked Casino Royale for that award, shocking industry insiders who believed License To Kill would walk away with that coveted honor. Casino Royale had 41% of the vote, with Never Say Never Again getting 25%. Everyone else had meager votes cast.

When it comes to BEST 007, Sean Connery is the winner hands down. His performance in Goldfinger won for BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR PLAYING JAMES BOND with 35% of the vote. Connery also came in 2nd with 21% of the vote for his performance in the scene where 007 kills professor Dent. Timothy Dalton came in with a close 3rd place finishing for his performance in License To Kill. Apparently a lot of people loved his line delivery when he sent Killifer to the sharks. George Lazenby cradling a dead Tracy garnered 17% of the vote and for some bizarre reason, neither one of Roger Moore`s scenes received more than 4% of the vote. We think the ballot may have confused some voters who probably meant to vote for Moore rather than Lazenby, so we are going to disqualify these results.

Shirley Bassey won for BEST TITLE OR THEME SONG with her rendition of Goldfinger.

John Barry was up four times in the category of BEST ORIGINAL SCORE and won by a huge margin for his work in ON HER MAJESTY`S SECRET SERVICE with 62% of the vote.

Judi Dench lost an Oscar for “Chocolat” but won a “Bondie” for her performance in THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH with 44% of the vote. Lucianna Paluzzi came in a close 2nd with 37%.

Desmond Llewelyn handily beat his competition for BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR with 46% of the vote.

Diana Rigg won big for her role as Tracy in ON HER MAJESTY`S SECRET SERVICE. She had nearly double what her next closest competitor, Sophie Marceau with 22%, got.

Sean Bean won for BEST ACTOR by beating out rival villain Robert Davi. Bean garnered 36% of the vote.

Richard Maibaum was the surprise winner for BEST SCREENPLAY with ON HER MAJESTY`S SECRET SERVICE. Maibaum was unable to attend the ceremony and receive his award due to his being dead. 007Forever accepts this award on his behalf.

Guy Hamilton won the Bondie for BEST DIRECTOR for his work on The Man With The Golden Gun. Just kidding! Yeah, it was Goldfinger he won for. Everyone knew that was coming. No one was within striking distance, though Michael Apted did manage a very respectable 2nd place showing with 20% of the vote.

And last but not least was BEST PICTURE and to no one`s suprise, GOLDFINGER beat everyone to a bloody pulp with 50% of the vote total.

With all awards shows, some of the major surprises included those who didn`t win. Octopussy managed to be shut out of every category, while On Her Majesty`s Secret Service and Goldfinger all had good nights, racking up several Bondies each. The nominees were as follows:

For artistic merit:

Judi Dench (The World Is Not Enough)
Luccianna Paluzzi (Thunderball)
Barbara Carrera (Never Say Never Again)
Gloria Hendry (Live and Let Die)
Grace Jones (A View To A Kill)

Sophie Marceau (The World Is Not Enough)
Diana Rigg (On Her Majesty`s Secret Service
Izzabella Scorupco (Goldeneye)
Honor Blackman (Goldfinger)
Maud Adams (Octopussy)

Vijay Armitraj (Octopussy)
Desmond Llewelyn (Octopussy)
Joe Don Baker (The Living Daylights)
Clifton James (Live and Let Die)
Robert Carlyle (The World Is Not Enough)

Louis Jourdan (Octopussy)
Christopher Walken (A View To A Kill)
Klaus Maria-Brandauer (Never Say Never Again)
Robert Davi (License To Kill)
Sean Bean (Goldeneye)

George Lazenby (holding his dead wife in On Her Majesty`s Secret ServiceL)
Sean Connery (shooting Professor Dent in Dr.No)
Sean Connery (strapped to a laser table in Goldfinger)
Roger Moore (confessing to killing Anya`s lover in The Spy Who Loved Me
Roger Moore (confronting General Orlov and defusing the bomb in the circus in Octopussy
Timothy Dalton (“You earned it. You keep it, old buddy!” from License To Kill)

Michael Apted (The World Is Not Enough)
John Glen (The Living Daylights)
John Glen (Octopussy)
Guy Hamilton (Goldfinger)
Lewis Gilbert (The Spy Who Loved Me)

Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson (The Living Daylights)
Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson (Octopussy)
Richard Maibaum and Paul Dehn (Goldfinger)
Richard Maibaum and Joanna Harwood (Dr.No)
Richard Maibaum and Simon Raven (On Her Majesty`s Secret Service)

The World Is Not Enough
The Spy Who Loved Me
The Living Daylights
On Her Majesty`s Secret Service

Technical Achievements:

Ken Adam (Fort Knox-Goldfinger)
Ken Adam (Blofeld`s volcano – You Only Live Twice)
Ken Adam (The Liparus – The Spy Who Loved Me)
Ken Adam and Anton Furst for (Drax`s Space Station- Moonraker)
Peter Lamont (The Mainstrike Mine – A View To A Kill)

Emma Porteous for The Living Daylights (Kara and Bond`s Afghan wear)
Emma Porteous for Octopussy (Octopussy`s royal palace wear)
Marjory Cornelius for On Her Majesty`s Secret Service (Blofeld`s Angel`s wear)
Anthony Mendelson for Thunderball (Junkanoo costumes and formal wear)
Emma Porteous for A View To A Kill (Ascot racing wear)

Paul McCartney and Wings (Live and Let Die)
Carly Simon (Nobody Does It Better-The Spy Who Loved Me)
Sheena Easton (For Your Eyes Only)
Duran Duran (A View To A Kill)
Shirley Bassey (Goldfinger)

John Barry (Goldfinger)
John Barry (On Her Majesty`s Secret Service)
John Barry (Octopussy)
John Barry (Moonraker)
George Martin (Live and Let Die)

Awards for dubious artistic and technical achievement:

Tanya Roberts (A View To A Kill)
Talisa Soto (License To Kill)
Mie Hama (You Only Live Twice)
Akiki Wakabayashi (You Only Live Twice)
Denise Richards (The World Is Not Enough)

Jimmy Dean (Diamonds Are Forever)
Alan Cummings (Goldeneye)
Michael Londsdale (Moonraker)
Curt Jurgens (The Spy Who Loved Me)
Christopher Lee (The Man With The Golden Gun)

License To Kill
The Man With The Golden Gun
Never Say Never Again
Casino Royale (1967)
Tomorrow Never Dies

Roger Spottiswoode (Tomorrow Never Dies)
John Glen (A View To A Kill)
Guy Hamilton (The Man With The Golden Gun)
Lewis Gilbert (Moonraker)
Irvin Kershner (Never Say Never Again)

The Man With The Golden Gun
Never Say Never Again
Casino Royale
License To Kill

Lani Hall (Never Say Never Again)
Eric Serra (The Experience of Love)
Rage (Make It Last All Night-For Your Eyes Only)
Sheryl Crow (Tomorrow Never Dies)
Scott Walker (Only Myself to Blame-The World Is Not Enough)

Eric Serra (Goldeneye)
Bill Conti (For Your Eyes Only)
Michael LeGrand (Never Say Never Again)
David Arnold (The World Is Not Enough)
Michael Kamen (License To Kill)

Roger Moore (A View To A Kill)
Sean Connery`s toupee (Never Say Never Again)
Roger Moore`s eyebrows (Octopussy)
Sean Connery`s baby blue, terry cloth robe (Goldfinger)
Roger Moore`s “colostomy bag” (The Spy Who Loved Me)

Splitting Hairs: Censoring 007

From the moment Bond blasted onto the world film scene, he has proven to be a rich target of censorship for those who weren`t quite prepared for his attitudes on sex, violence, nudity and race relations. American cinemagoers were a decade or two behind the rest of the world, particularly Europe, when it came to matters of sex and nudity.

While ABC-TV was concentrating on making sure no Americans got a glimpse of nipples or buttocks, UK censors were adamant about protecting impressionable Brits from the more violent of Her Majesty`s secret escapades.

Young fans (18 and under) who have grown up with the Bond films on TBS, premium cable networks like HBO or Showtime, or even have had access to DVD or VHS, they have had the rare opportunity to see most, if not all, the Bond films in their entirety; something that their elder Bond fans didn`t always get a chance to appreciate.

Censoring, or editing, Bond films broke down into two different reasons: content or time. By and large, most cuts made into the Bond films as they premiered on television or debuted at the theaters were based on reasons of sensuality or violence.

DR.NO November 1974 marked the first broadcast of Dr. No on ABC-TV. Only a few shots were cut but they included the Three Blind Mice shooting Strangeways (you see them shoot but you do not see Strangeways slump violently into his car) and Bond shooting Professor Dent, cold-blooded, in the back.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE In early 1974, From Russia, with Love made it`s premier [on ABC-TV] with the pre-credit sequence cut out and reedited after the belly dancer credits. This would begin the often cruel and incompetent censoring of the Bond films as shown on ABC. Other scenes such as the gypsy camp and the Orient Express fight between Bond and Grant were trimmed relentlessly.

Fan Ryan Harvey comments: “Of all the changes made to the Bond series for network broadcasting, the most obnoxious must be the network version of From Russia, With Love. The gypsy camp sequence was cut and there was no shooting of Krilencu. This entire sub-plot and central action scene is completely excised. The movie jumps from the scene where Bond and Kerim Bey are spying on the Russian embassy using the periscope. Bey introduces Krilencu; Bond takes a look at Tania`s legs, and then Kerim bay folds up the periscope to conclude the session. ABC cut it for time and violence (the girl on girl action was deemed to violent and fraught with sexual overtones) but without it, a very crucial piece of ambience vanishes. For a brief moment in this spirited adventure, even James Bond is shocked by the violence–it`s a powerful moment, especially to non Bond fans who often think of the series as just “goofy cartoon violence. Cut to a commercial.

When we come back, Bond is walking into his hotel room to discover Tania is lying there. Nearly 15 minutes of intense Bondian action and character, gone! It`s unconscionable.”

GOLDFINGER It was September 17, 1972 when ABC presented the world premier of Goldfinger on the Sunday night movie beginning at 9pm. The movie went off without a hitch except the gun-barrel icon scene was eliminated totally. A few shots were cut out to tone down the sex and violence. The scene with Oddjob enveloped in a shower of sparks at Fort Knox was cut. Only showing him touching his hat and falling to the floor. ABC was very sensitive in those days.

The spring of `74 had ABC reprising Goldfinger, except this time the entire pre-credit sequence was cut out completely and would never be seen again until HBO presented the movie on cable in 1980. Censors felt Bond allowing a woman to be knocked unconscious was unconscionable and the electrocution of his would be assailant too violent. Many fans that were first initiated into the world of Bondage came into it via the airings of the Bond films on ABC and were completely unaware that a pre-credit sequence existed until watching it on VHS or TBS.

THUNDERBALL The fall of `74 brought Thunderball to ABC-TV. In September, the showing of Thunderball came with all scenes in their respective order but just a few shots cut out or muted, such as: Bond giving Patricia Fearing a mink backrub and the scene where he says to Domino at the pool side, “Wait until you get to my teeth.”

Future airings of the movie would “up” the censorship quotient. For example, ABC objected to Bond pressing Nurse Fearing`s nude body up against the steam room window. The network also completely cut out Fiona Volpe`s bedroom encounter with Bond. Many a fan`s heads were being scratched when Volpe remarked about their sexual encounter, despite the fact that none had been shown. Their scene, with her arms intertwined with the steel bars on the bed, gave a hint of bondage that censors could not tolerate.

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE In October 1975, ABC presented You Only Live Twice. This time ABC literally ruined the pre-credit sequence. The movie begins with the space capsule but twelve seconds into the scene the shot cuts to Bond already dead in his bed and the credits begin to roll. When the credits end the scene segues to Hong Kong harbour. We see and hear the boats passing in the channel and then the scene cuts back to the space capsule with the astronaut just beginning his space walk. The rest of the pre-credit sequence continues without any abrupt interruptions but when we get to Bond dead in his bed the scene cuts to Hong Kong harbour again. This sequence was probably the most confusing of all the Bond films that ABC presented – until On Her Majesty`s Secret Service came on for the first time.

ON HER MAJESTY`S SECRET SERVICE It was February 1976 and it was sweeps month for the big three networks. ABC was doing very well in the ratings with it`s mini series “Rich Man, Poor Man”, but during the last two Mondays of February, ABC presented On Her Majesty`s Secret Service in two parts. The first part, after the gun-barrel icon, opens with a close-up of Bond`s foot as it is being placed in a ski. A British voice (not Lazenby`s) begins by saying, “Bond, James Bond here. Agent OO7, on her majesty`s secret service.” The scene continues with Bond skiing down a moonlit mountain pursued by Blofeld`s men. Practically the entire ski chase is introduced as part of the pre-credit sequence with this inane voice-over. Even the part where Bond meets Tracy at the ice rink is there as part of a segue into the opening beach scene. But the scene with M and Q at Universal Exports is missing entirely. ABC had done the worst possible thing to a Bond film. They added narration. Throughout the first half of OHMSS, the audience had to endure this blasphemy. To the people who have never seen this film before, they thought the producers at EON were to blame. Whatever the case, this movie did not recover for years to come.

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER In September of 1975, Diamonds Are Forever came on the ABC Friday Night Movie. Dialogue such as Bond saying “Welcome to hell, Blofeld,” Willard Whyte saying “Bond, get the hell off that rig” and of course Shady Tree`s comments to Bond as he saves him from a fiery death all ended on the cutting room floor. Also, the waterbed scene with Bond and Tiffany is missing. After the Las Vegas car chase ends, ABC went to a commercial, when they came back from the commercial break we see Felix Leiter and his men looking for the bridal suite where Bond and Tiffany are staying.

The film also proved to be too much and too far ahead of its time with the gay humor as far as ABC was concerned. The network cut scenes of Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd holding hands after blowing up a helicopter, Kidd commenting to Wint that Miss Case was quite attractive `for a lady`, and Wint clearly enjoying having the tails of his tux wedged up his buttocks by Bond. These are scenes that are standard and taken for granted as they air on TBS. ABC-TV also cut a significant percent of Bond`s fight with Bambi and Thumper in order to dodge any suggestion that the two girls may be lesbians.

TBS did some editing of its own as well. At one time TBS cut the scene where Bond pulls off Marie`s top and twists it around her neck, yet ironically, aired the same footage for during a promotion of the film. During their “15 Days of Cyber-Bond”, TBS muted Tiffany`s remark to 007: “For God`s sake, come up with something original.”

LIVE AND LET DIE The fall of 1976 came the television premier of Live and Let Die with minor scenes trimmed out for broadcast, such as Mrs. Bell saying “Holy s***” as Bond cuts off the wings of the Cessna, the explosion of Adam`s boat was cut down and the part where Tee Hee is pushed into the bathroom wall of the train by Bond and a handy upper berth ladder.

ABC cut the scene of Banes actually being bitten by the snake in the pre-credits sequence. Viewers who had no prior knowledge of the film would be led to believe that Banes simply died of exhaustion and fear.

During Apartheid, South Africa completely cut out any reference to Bond and Rosie Carver having sex (and presumably cut scenes of Kananga slapping Solitaire and Solitaire getting undressed in front of several black men). The image of Rosie Carver/Gloria Hendry in the poster artwork for Live and Let Die was taken out and replaced with the picture of an anonymous, busty blonde. The changes can be seen on the special edition dvd of LIVE AND LET DIE. Gloria Hendry spoke on how she felt to see this poster change and her replaced as one the Bond leads at our Bond Weekend III.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN February 1977, The Man with the Golden Gun made its TV debut. This time the credits were retouched to cover up any partial nudity. Visible pubic hair in the title sequence, despite being in the form of silhouette, proved too hot to handle. Maurice Binder commented: “For instance, there was a dancer in The Man with the Golden Gun and she was nude. I used some rippling water, which covered her body, so we got away with that, but when she danced around sideways, some inappropriate hair stuck out. She wouldn`t shave.” Binder eventually resolved the situation by moving the title text to cover the appropriate area and using Vaseline or Brylcream to smooth down the pubic hair. Talk about splitting hairs.

Other scenes such as Bond saying to Lazar “Speak now, or forever hold your piece,” Chew Me, the girl in Hi Fats pool and some of J.W Pepper`s profanity were eliminated. When `Gun` debuted on American television, it marked the first time a Bond movie came on two years after it`s theatrical debut. It also marked the first time all the Bond movies had been shown on TV before the next one came out at the theaters.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME Anya`s shower aboard the American submarine was completely cut as was Bond kicking Anya`s men in the groin at the Pyramids.

British censors wouldn`t allow footage of Bond electrocuting Jaws in the teeth to show in trailers for The Spy Who Loved Me. It was deemed too violent for children who may have also seen the trailer in the film. The sub that is captured in the pre-credits sequence had a wallfull of centerfolds pinned up along the wall that can be seen on the wide screen versions of the film, but were cut out of American broadcasts.

MOONRAKER Holly`s request to be `taken around the world one more time` was cut, as was Bond`s reference to the `69 bottle of champagne in her suite. (!)

ABC cut Bond kicking Jaws in his groin, only to find out that he literally had balls of steel. The shot of the gorgeous Drax Girl turning towards Bond as she was about to pass through the entrance of the Mayan ruin was trimmed to avoid showing too much cleavage.

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY British censors wouldn`t allow Maurice Binder to use the shot of Bond kicking Locque`s car off a cliff for the film trailer. British censors considered that to be in cold blood. ABC cut Locque`s body falling out of the car as it crashes to the ground. ABC also used slightly alternate titles for FYEO. In Binder`s original conception, the last woman in the title sequence is behind a thin veil of water, but her breasts are clearly visible and well defined. ABC`s version of that sequence completely blurs out her breasts so that no nipple can be seen. A shot of Erich Kreigler tumbling out of the monastery window and free falling to earth were eliminated.

OCTOPUSSY ABC darkened out much of the titles for the film, rendering them almost pointless. Apparently shots of thigh or breast would cause teenagers heads to explode. ABC also cut the shot of one of Kamal`s men having his faced sucked by a writhing Octopus. Bond`s reaction shot to Magda`s request for “refilling” was cut so that the in joke would not be picked up by the audience. Bond`s jab at Q about `having trouble keeping it up `was completely cut. Shots of Kamal plucking the eyeballs of the sheep and eating them were eliminated. Bond making an obscene gesture to a bunch of German teenagers was cut, despite the fact that it was hilarious under the circumstances. Octopussy emerging from a moonlight skinny dip was cut to avoid showing nudity.

THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS Bond ripping off Rubavitch`s clothes was completely cut, as were shots of showering Russian soldiers overtaken by a bulldozer. Shots of 009`s body hitting the Rock of Gibraltar as it tumbled towards the ground were cut out.

LICENSE TO KILL British censors forced deep cuts into this film. The ratings board objected to shots of Sanchez enjoying his revenge on Leiter. Michael G. Wilson has commented that “…The British will accept a certain amount of nudity, sex or violence, but “sadism” is out of bounds.”

GOLDENEYE British censors also didn`t care for Xenia`s head butt of Natalya in GOLDENEYE. That was completely cut out for U.K. viewers, as well as the line “Wait for your turn.”

Stuart Basinger, Pimp Daddy and Ryan Harvey all contributed to this report.

The full text of the article, The ABCs of the Bond Films, can be found at:

On Her Majesty`s Secret Service: The 1976 “Narrated” Version details, complete with sound files of this rare movie airing is available at:

President Clinton As Dr. Evil?

The winds of fashion blow in strange places, don’t they?

The July 31 issue of The National Enquirer shows Bill Clinton on its cover sans the three-piece threads he used to wear ala James Bond and wearing a Nehru jacket, much more along the social graces of Messrs. Blofeld, Carver and Dr. Evil.

The “AIF” on his jacket stands for the American Indian Foundation, for which the ex-Prez was stumping for an evening’s fundraiser alongside lovely models. As the story reports inside, Clinton was creating havoc in New York at the Regent Wall Street Hotel by running off with another woman, a lovely blond model. Hillary is threatening a divorce!

–And we thought 007Forever was behind the Enquirer in breaking news to the fans. Huh.

Not Tonight, Dear. I Have a Headache!

In On Her Majesty`s Secret Service (Chapter 16), Ian Fleming writes that knees are the Achilles heel of all skiers.

Rephrasing this anatomical pun (and according to Kingsley Amis, a clumsy metaphor), one might say that James Bond`s neck is his Achilles heel – or more correctly the area bordering the back of his head. It`s definitely bad luck for 007: in almost every movie, a henchman or a villain considers it his duty to hit Mr. Bond with some heavy object. And how convenient it is for the screenwriters! Bang – the scene changes, and now Mr. Bond is in the villains` – or villainesses` – hands. Or laying in an enflamed coffin, or in a drowning car. Sometimes, at these moments, his facial expression actually reads: Not again!

Let`s count together exactly how many times 007 gets knocked out in
such a painful way:

Dr. No (1)

The bad luck followed him right from the beginning. When Bond tries
fighting the dragon/vehicle drivers, one of them hits his head with the machine-gun handle. 007 isn`t knocked unconscious, but it`s obviously the cliche`s inauguration.

From Russia With Love (2)

Everyone who`s read at least one Fleming novel has probably been
thunderstruck by the amateurish way Bond conducts his missions: every
time a situation catches him off-balance he was supposed to foresee 15 pages earlier. Ditto with the movies. Fascinating! Bond examines the map provided by Donovan Grant (who had introduced himself as a British
Agent) with such fantastical readiness! Unfortunately, Grant instantly
takes out his cosh and – bang! One longs to admit about Bond: He`s
so naive!

Goldfinger (3)

When I want to get a can of a cold beer from my refrigerator (because
I`ve run out of Dom Perignon), I always look over my shoulder.
Otherwise when I finally come back to life, no beer and my girlfriend
is covered in golden paint.

Thunderball (-)

What can I say? You were lucky this time Mr. Bond. They didn`t hit the
back of your head. And you weren`t out of gas – another fate of yours,
by the way…

You Only Live Twice (4)

The tough guys from the Tokyo docks have a heavy hand, and also a heavy look in their eyes. The chase through the docks is great! Bond is in exquisite form running across the warehouse roof and also when he dives off onto the boxes not knowing what they contain (cement sacks, anyone?). He walks calmly down the pier, tidying his suit, then -bang…

On Her Majesty`s Secret Service (5)

What a meanstreak George Lazenby`s James Bond has! Twice he visits the suites of his women, and both times his head is in trouble! To begin with Tracy invites Bond to her room, and there Draco`s men strongarm him, hitting his neck unsuccessfully. But that`s not all! Having come to Ruby`s room, Lazenby`s Bond suffers a doubleshot of misfortune doubleshot. First he finds Fraulein Irma Bunt in Ruby`s bed then they knock him out; again. And another headache. Bond concocts a tale, but Blofeld is already on to him!

Diamonds Are Forever (6)

Sleek and fast: Kidd & Wint knock him out with a vase, and then stick
him in a coffin where he`s almost cremated.

Live And Let Die (7)

By the eighth James Bond movie you could actually anticipate when Bond
will be knocked out. After Mr Big`s interrogation, Tee Hee knocks Bond
out and sends him to the crocodiles for dinner.

The Man with the Golden Gun (8)

In Bruce Lee movies, even the most cruel villain doesn`t stab anybody
into the back – a code of Kung Fu. And here? Hardly has Bond done away
with the sumo fighters and prepared for another attack when – bang! A
rather unpleasant evening for a walk!

The Spy Who Loved Me (-)

Mr. Bond was lucky again. Well, not quite, one may say… Charming
female KGB agents have their own ways of doing away with British spies: cigarettes with a poisonous powder. Blow & Go. At least, Bond`s head is OK.

Moonraker (9)

Now, that`s what I call mean! Drax`s killjoys actually knock Bond
unconscious and drag him right from off his woman!

For Your Eyes Only (10)

Recall the beach scene: Colombo`s men knock James Bond out. This was
taken from the short story RISICO, though Fleming didn`t like using
this cliche. In Fleming`s novels, only twice is Bond knocked
unconscious after getting hit on his head (let`s not count
automobile-accidents and falling from heights): in RISICO and in
GOLDFINGER (the very beginning of part III). Bond gets kicked in the
side of the head at the end of FROM A VIEW TO A KILL, and Felix gets
“blackjacked” in LIVE AND LET DIE, but these don`t count…

Octopussy (11)

Among all the henchmen, only Gobinda really hated Bond: his
light-gray eyes said it all in BIG bold letters. Well, unlike Drax`s
men, at least he dully waited until James Bond had said goodbye to
Magda after their romantic night.

Never Say Never Again (-)

In the at-one-time-unofficial Bond movie 007`s head is OK.

A View to a Kill (12)

Scarpine, Zorin`s henchman, is a man of few words. If something is
wrong – you`re knocked out. James Bond, just before he`s put in the
Rolls-Royce before drowning in it. Bob Conley – because he knew (and
complained) too much. However, he gets his own in the end: Stacey
Sutton “extinguishes” him – the revenge is literally brought on
Scarpine`s head.

The Living Daylights (-)

In the Timothy Dalton era, the villains` methods of physical persuading became more sophisticated. Dalton`s James Bond is lucky as far as head injures are concerned, though he still becomes unconscious: Kara Milovy, double-crossed by General Koskov, puts a drug into Bond`s vodka-martini. La femme-fatale!

Licence to Kill (-)

Yes, Bond fights ninjas, but we don`t count it.

GoldenEye (-)

It`s become obvious that the screenwriters chose not to use the old
cliche. At the rendezvous with Janus, amidst the cemetery of sculptures of Soviet leaders, the bad guys knock Bond out with a tranquillizer.

Tomorrow Never Dies (-)

Bond`s head is OK. However, the tables are turned and Bond knocks one
of Carver`s men unconcious with an ashtray during the Hamburg soiree.

The World Is Not Enough (-)

Ok. But his neck must be awfully sore after nearly being “screwed” to
death in Elektra`s contraption…

So, the sum is 12… Not bad, not bad… It`s good that the back of
Bond`s head hasn`t been hit lately, otherwise he`d probably have to
consider taking precautions… perhaps a hard-hat? 🙂

–Vladislav Pavlov is the websmaster of General Grubozaboyschikov`s Secret Archive –

My Name’s Clinton, Bill Clinton.

In a move that can only be described as STUNNING, MGM Studios announced Friday, June 29th, 2001, that former President of the United States, Bill Clinton, will take over the role of James Bond from Pierce Brosnan effective immediately.

Publicity photos, like the one shown to the left, have already been distributed to the press. Inside sources say that even though Brosnan’s 3 films had grossed over $1 billion, producers balked at the decision to pay him the $20 million dollars he was asking for to do the next film. “We basically got Clinton for a song”, said longtime Bond producer Barbara Broccoli. “In fact, i’m not even sure we’re paying him. All I mentioned was that he would have to have sex with several different women, none of whom were his wife, and before I could even finish my sentence, he had signed the contract. I still don’t know what we’re paying him.” “We plan on doubling the amount of women Bond snogs in his next film. I think the most he ever had was four or five in one film. We’re prepared to have Clinton’s Bond snog at least eight or nine,” said Corwin Feldman, Head of Production at MGM. “Also, Clinton’s Bond will be the first one to be tested for and come up positive for Herpes. We thought it would be more realistic in this day and age for Bond, just like Clinton, to have a sexually transmitted disease.”

Debbie McWilliams, longtime casting director for the Bond films, tells 007Forever that Miss Moneypenny will soon be getting a new assistant: an intern at MI6. “We haven’t been casting for the role yet, but obviously of course Monica Lewinsky is high on our list of actresses we’d like to audition. McWilliams put to bed rumors that Roger Clinton will turn up as Felix Leiter. “That is absolutely untrue. He’ll be in the film as Jack Wade, provided he doesn’t relapse into his cocaine addiction by then” McDonalds has already expressed interest in doing cross promotional tie-is with the next Bond movie.

“We’d like to release an adult version of the Happy Meal when the next Bond film comes out, said Terry Walsh, CEO of McDonalds. “The adult version of the Happy Meal will come with a Big Mac, large order of fries, large coke and a very naughty toy.”

New York (D) Senator- Hillary Rodham Clinton expressed her desire to play “M” should Judi Dench not return to the role. On her way to a bra burning rally at Wellsley College, Ms. Rodham released this statement to the press: “It is with great pride and pleasure that Chelsea and I can support Bill in his new job. Thank God he finally has one. I thought he’d never get out of the house. I look forward to taking, er, um, I mean, accepting the role of “M” should something untimely happen to Mrs. Dench before filming gets started. I’ve always bossed Bill around. Everyone knows I was the President during his 8 year term. Heck, they should have impeached me. Now i’ll get to boss 007 around. Oh, I mean of course, as long as nothing happens to Mrs. Dench in the next few months that would incapacitate her from playing the role herself.”

007Forever reporters already have found President Clinton’s dedication to learning his craft refreshing. 007Forever reporters spotted President Clinton rehearsing love scenes with several different women in his trailer on the MGM lot, despite the fact that the film is not officially in production. Apparently, the new movie will call for a midget, as one was spotted going into President Clinton’s trailer surrounded by several nubile young women. Our reporters were not allowed to go inside the trailer, but we can tell you it was rocking for several hours. The desire to have an American play Bond is not something new. MGM has put pressure on EON before to hire actors such as Burt Reynolds or Tom Cruise to portray the world’s most dashing spy.

The films, if nothing else, have become more Americanized with each passing film. “We think an American Bond is something that the whole world will be able to relate to”, says Producer Michael Wilson in an exclusive interview with 007Forever. “Barbara and I were going over story line ideas about how to make Bond 20 topical and current and once the decision to hire Clinton was made, we both came up with the scenario: ‘What if M pardoned Blofeld? ‘ So Bond 20 will find 007 taking matters into his own hands as he seeks revenge against Blofeld from Norway, to Kenya, to Australia. It’s going to be the biggest, baddest, most outrageous Bond yet.”

In related news, Kevin McClory has filed a lawsuit to stop production, which begins in December, from taking place. “It’s an abomination what they are trying to do to the character of James Bond that I created,” said McClory, reclining comfortably from his home with one foot in the grave. “I created Bond and Blofeld. MGM, nor EON has the right to make any Bond movies featuring James Bond or Blofeld. I’m going to sue them for the 23rd time and gosh dang it, this time i’m going to win! Can someone please help me find my dentures?.”

The next Bond film, tentatively titled “From Norway, With Herpes”, is set to begin filming in late December.

McClory/SONY Film Revealed

Culver City, CA (API) As a result of the legal battle between SONY Pictures and MGM/UA Studios over ownership of the James Bond 007 franchise, producer Kevin McClory was forced by the court to make public some tantalizing details of the controversial Bond film he planned to produce in partnership with SONY. The court ultimately blocked this effort, awarding sole control of Bond’s onscreen image to MGM/UA.

Confirming omni-present rumors, mellowing sex symbol Sean Connery was indeed scripted to reprise his role as the dashing international agent 007. In a surprising twist, the plot would revolve not around Bondian daring-do for the British Secret Service, but focus on a personal vendetta. It is assumed that by excising the usual cast—M (007’s boss), Monypenney (M’s secretary who pines for 007), Q (Bond’s gadget supplier), etc.— McClory sought to evade the copyright question arising from his use of author Ian Fleming’s characters.

Treading in the questionable footsteps of the “Batman and Robin” misadventure, the film would pit 007 against multiple villains acting in concert to poison the globe. Calling themselves The Five Horsemen (Violence, Insurrection, Anarchy, Genocide, Retribution, and Abner), their plot to decimate the world is fronted by a drug company promising eternal youth in a pill. In a bizarre turn of events, the questioning, septuagenarian Bond would himself be drawn into the deception.

SONY were also caused to reveal some curious sponsors who had already contracted—and paid for—product placements within the then unslated production. Co-marketers included such names as Sustecal, Centrum Silver, Del Webb, and Hyatt Inns & Resorts retirement properties.

McClory flatly stated that more than the usual spectacular combination of stunts, chases, and locales would be on view in his epic and that the real screen thrills wouldn’t even start until Bond captured VIAGRA.

Madonna Out, Manson In For Bond 20

NEW YORK – Shock-rocker Marilyn Manson will compose and perform the title song for “Die Another Day,” the newest James Bond film, the producers announced today at a formal press conference at.

“Die Another Day,” starring Pierce Brosnan as Secret Agent 007, is the 20th James Bond adventure. The movie is set for release on Nov. 22. “We are thrilled that Mr Manson, who is recognized as the world’s leading expert on death and dying, has agreed to compose and sing the song for the first James Bond movie of the new millennium,” producers Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli said in a statement released last week. “Mr. Manson’s fixation with death and the macabre will provide that much needed edge to the trademark Bond theme.” When forced to defend his decision, Wilson became aggressive. “I mean honestly. Have you listened to what’s out there? I mean really listened? Could you imagine N’Sync doing this? Goodbye Bond, will you die, die, die. It would have been horrible. This is the only way. The ONLY way”. He refused further comment.

We at caught up with Mr. Manson during his recent tour and when asked about his involvement with the James Bond franchise he stared blankly. “Who?” You know, Bond 20, Die another day. He smiled. “Death rules”. Ah, yes Mr. Manson. Our thoughts exactly.

James Bond Dies!

By curious quirk of fate, it seems there was a crisis brewing in the South China Sea. EON Productions reported yesterday that the dashing secret agent known as “007” has passed on.

It is not yet known whether he succumbed to intense ennui or merely multiple veneral diseases from his lothario lifestyle. MI-6 leaked an obituary for the greatest spy who ever lived. The eulogy was printed in the London Financial Times under the name “James Stock” and burial was at sea. A full British Naval display was in attendance. The deceased’s coffin was oddly shaped with a protrusion which looked like scuba gear. Professors Bechmann and Markovitz were also in attendance. Also Timothy Dalton, Roger Moore and Pierce Brosnan attended the funeral but not Sean Connery or George Lazenby. Neither of them could be reached for comment. Dalton was heard to say to an adoring crowd that “LTK rocks, baby! Yes, yes, rock on! Casino Royale in 2002! Peace, out!”

“We will simply assign the name “James Bond” and the “Agent Oh-Oh-Seven designation” to another ‘fella,” a source at MI-6 was heard to say. “That’s what we always do, anyway,” the source went on to report. “And you know what, 006 was always better. And that crazy 008! Don’t get me started! Everytime seven screwed up something royally, Sir Miles would threaten that 008 would be called in to replace James Bond. Frankly, I think they’re all insane. Cheers.”

EON and MGM have responded to MI-6’s news since their initial obituary announcement in the Times with the exciting news that they will simply make ANOTHER formulaic Bond film of some sort starring Vic Armstrong as a leading stunt coordinator. Some guy named “PB” will be called in for shots when lighting doubles aren’t standing in.

“Let’s face it…Bill Clinton could take over this role and people would still buy tickets. We’re delighted that the moviegoing public has always accepted all the marvelous actors placed in the role of Bond. They have never calculated 007’s true age or relevance to contemporary culture or even the fathomlessly remote possibility of a actual secret agent who 1) drives an Aston Martin at breakneck speeds through London, 2) is known by all his enemies on sight and 3) wears $5,000 Brioni tuxedos on his civil servant’s pay,” said a gleeful MGM spokesperson. “And no more hollowed-out volcanoes or Mr. Goldfinger’s twin brothers on our watch, by gum. We want Bond to be REAL.”

More than $500 million in advertising tie-ins are planned including those vehicle manufacturers blissfully hoping to see their new luxury sports cars demolished on screen. This calculates to approximately $1 million per film frame or $0.000001 per advertising impression via future DVD rentals. “We’re honored to have the world’s greatest spy perpetually demolish our…beautiful…new…cars, AND their beverage cup holders,” said “R” (codename for an anonymous source at MI-6).

Meanwhile, a representative from a major European car manufacturer has stated that they are “…Pleased ‘zat the typical wealthy and death-wish ridden consumer actually buys more cars from ‘zose companies who have ‘zeir cars cut in half, blown up or otherwise pulped by ‘ze James Bont, ‘ze double-oh-seven.”

How old is the latest incarnation of 007? Since Bond looked grimly some eight years ahead to retirement in Ian Fleming’s Moonraker novel, fictional (?) events thought to have taken place in 1952, the real, fake James Bond (not the bird watching fellow) would today be 86 years old, thus making EVERY Bond a “retro” film. This gallant, very senior and very civil servant would also drive a Bently, golf with a handicap of 8, drink a fifth of liquor nightly, and smoke 70-odd unfiltered cigarettes each day. Who says old age brings ennui?

In any case, we look forward to Brosnan and company kicking some serious tail in Bond 20. Bond is dead–long live Bond! You go, boy!

Goldfinger’s Hidden Message? (Mature Audiences Only)

WARNING: This humorous story contains adult content as double entendres. Not for minors.

Strictly as an expert in the field of psychoanalysis as it relates to literary and film criticism, I have been exploring for sometime Goldfinger, how it resonated with audiences in the ‘60s, not just young kids, but older men wanting to “live the Bond lifestyle”.

I have concluded that much dynamic tension in Goldfinger between Bond and the main villain is due to the subtext of Goldfinger, which is that of an aging Bond threatened by the impotency an even older Goldfinger represents! And only the virile Oddjob can successfully aid Goldfinger’s frustrated plans involving gold, the ultimate sex metaphor!

Let us begin by examining an action synopsis of the third Bond film. John Barry’s background score beats the march of time as James Bond, covered in costume and with his duck head submerged (head covered and also body, in a full body “condom”) makes his move. 007 is successful (read: virile) at the plant (and we all know what Georgia O’Keefe used plants as metaphor for) and glancing at his watch, (casually so as to attract no one’s attention…but the audience’s…in a bar where Bond can drink afterward) Bond is pleased when his “giant explosion” comes off right on time.

IF BOND HAS ENOUGH TIME to spare, he can then be with an exotic woman, a dalliance he has had at least ONCE before. As they embrace, she is distracted. In her eyes, Bond can sense another man who will interrupt them, and who will not be able to use his gun, (either) which Bond finds “positively shocking”. (Incredible foreshadowing as both a ticking bomb and electric shock will all but complete the psychosexual circle/climax near the end of the film.)

Next, the “Gold finger” title track cues the mood (the most popular soundtrack ever at that time!) and it is a title sequence indeed filled with hidden subtext. “Gold finger” is a subtle warning to Bond and NOT the golden girl–her fate is sealed, and so the coming golden girl represents impotency in old age (words he will pour in your ear, but his lies can’t disguise what you [Bond] fear…).

Following the title sequence, in Miami, Florida, Bond is “back!” (from the plant) …And John Barry brings in a jazzy number overlooking Miami Beach. Jazz is appropriate indeed, for the smooth, world weary Bond (From Russia With Love psychosexual fetish-weary? See related articles linked below.) Bond is draped luxoriantly inside a counter-culture hip beach scene oozing youth itself. (Miami Beach and the Fontainebleau are also a double metaphor in the film, no doubt, for old age and retirement.)

Bond has been with the beautiful Dink (ONCE) and has no TIME for more. Felix Leiter (played by the oldest-looking and oldest acting character actor to try the role ever, Cec Linder) will try to now light a fire under Bond. 007 finds “Jill” and completes his mission–he knows how Mr. Gold-finger cheats at “success.” He’s done for the day and can be with “Jill.” But no! He first has to “have a little fun with Mr. Gold-finger.” “Jill” will be involved also. They enjoy ONE time together. Things are now cold, Bond is COMPLETELY satisfied, emulating his President-cum-hero-cum-lothario-cum-From Russia With Love fetish-reader John F. Kennedy, who has been replaced by the older President Johnson!

With a lady’s remark a younger Bond would have sexually cued on, by Jill, for a SECOND go round, Bond instead brushes sex off next to head for the fridge, an ice cold box. No, to be warm again would be too much attenuated to the Beatles (young 1964 sex symbols with their virile haircuts). Opening the ice cold box and still “joking,” Bond could reach for the six pack of soda within–enough caffeine for a an erotic jolt, surely–but instead he is about to rest his hand on the ice cold phallic symbol of champagne–when he is struck down at the hand of “Odd job.” (Author’s note: It is highly significant to Gold finger’s impotency subtext that differing from the Fleming novel here, Gold finger does not sexually kill his gold woman…but Odd job kills her instead on Gold finger’s behalf.

“M” will now foreshadow what is to come next. An older, somewhat impotent man, he is unable to perform well and Colonel Smithers agrees that their “Brandy” (a popular English girl’s name) is rather disappointing lately. Bond thinks he knows what the trouble is but M’s heated advice is to “shut up and let Smithers lecture…” (on the effects of age) …and of gold. Bond knows a little about “gold” and will learn more from the older Smithers at this time. (Luckily, the older man does not have to repeat himself as he does when a much older Connery is lectured in “Diamonds”–Diamonds being of course, a sex metaphor about which Bond can “remember” even less…other than that the girls love them like their best friend!

MI-6 and M agree that Bond has failed at many levels with Mr. Gold finger. Bond should have NEVER gone for the champagne, if he hadn’t he would have been alert to Odd job’s presence. Even “Q” warns Bond sexually, next. “Whatever you do, don’t touch [it].” “You must be joking” is responded to by “I never joke about my [work]. Now, pay attention and this [sexual fulfillment] will only take another 90 minutes or so.”

Out on the golf course next but not fully back in the sexual saddle, Bond confronts his nemesis, old age, represented by the mysterious Gold finger. Each hole conquered by these aging men will represent a small triumph of one shilling. It is important that what little we can see of the game echoes the novel quite closely, with Bond’s drive arcing straight down the middle of the “fair” way, with Gold finger’s ball quite “lost in the woods”.

Note that Bond KNOWS well of Gold finger’s ball problem, because HE IS standing on it himself. His caddy will now assist in the confrontation. “If that’s his original ball (the virility of Gold finger’s past youth) I’m Arnold Palmer (champion stud of the world)…” says the aging, near impotent caddy, Hawker. (The caddy at Stoke Poges was a friend to Bond in his virile one-time youth, of course, in the Gold finger novel.) “Come now.” says Mr. Gold (and finger). “You didn’t come hear to play golf (with your sticks and balls).” Bond now drops gold (the ultimate sex metaphor for the sophisticated tastes of Bond) onto the ground, and right out of his pants at that!

007 is actually testing Gold finger to see if he can learn better from him about “smuggled gold” than he did from “M” (“mother” or “male”) or Smithers. Gold finger’s response? He is intrigued by the “gold,” certainly, but his own ball curves promptly away from the hole. Caught dead as impotent! Bond is trapped. Old age brings the dreaded impotency, even for the superlative Mr. Gold finger!

All is not lost, yet. Bond chooses to defeat old age (Gold finger) by SWITCHING BALLS. He can thus become Gold finger (or an older man someday) and still “win sexually”, or so he believes. It is therefore GOLD FINGER’s ball that the youthful, strong Odd job will crush symbolically and then discard for his impotent master as Bond watches and tries (unsuccessfully to the audience) to hide his fear of Gold finger’s crushed ball. This dramatic event of switching revealed will not occur, of course, until Gold finger has first used his virile stand in, Odd job, to sever the head from a statue (representing militant, raging impotency). “[Frighteningly impressive.] What does the CLUB secretary (not the club officer but a female secretary in subtext) think about such behavior?” “Nothing, Mr. Bond. I own the CLUB.” (Not the golf club but Oddjob as substitute male phallus, who can only grunt and snort to communicate, the ultimate “Monday Night Football” machismo.)

Things speed ahead fully, now. Gold finger is to be killed by a lesbian’s gun, which almost kills Bond instead when it “fires off” in an inappropriate manner. Bond tries to pick up the lesbian, knowing she is Jill’s sister (!) and falls flat or rather, two flat tires as the case may be. A series of cat and mouse games ensues at great length and with clever film pacing, much to the delight of the audience. Bond is watching Gold finger (will there be time for even a quick one on the watch?) … but poor old “Q” felt “it [sex in old age] is not designed entirely for that purpose”. Gold finger’s “incredible gold supply” is hidden, smuggled, dragged across the Channel, cut out of an automobile, mocking Bond’s “cut ejector seat mobile”, crushed and (a little of it, presumably) retrieved from a Mafioso, “wasted” on painting women, etc.

Bond’s coming “golden doom” seems sure. It would not take a rocket scientist to see the nefarious ejector seat and laser table for what they represent, though the laser represents an “emitted light” not found in “nature” (youth). Gold finger says “Come, I will show you…” [Bond’s questions regarding old age and impotency.] Gold finger is resigned to his fate, not frustrated or even mildly angered at Bond’s coming predicament of impotency, though he himself has been in love with “gold” lifelong. He would welcome ANY enterprise that would increase his stock…but he won’t take any gold from “Fort Knox”, as we shall see. (And you thought the laser table represented castration, but lasers sear and cauterize old wounds, my dear readers…!)

Exasperated and near desperate, Mr. Bond is now perhaps more vulnerable emotionally than he will ever be in TWINE or License To Kill. “Do you expect me to talk (about my recent impotency troubles)?,” asks Bond. “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die…” (On your own, not “I will kill you…kill your vigor…time marching inexorably ahead will do it, just you wait. I will stand here, not killing you myself but I will watch you die.” Is it any wonder this is one of the most popular movie sequences ever?) “Ah, but doesn’t even Gold finger have one more “grand slam” left?” asks Bond as a follow-up question. Operation Grand Slam, as we will see shortly, is “Chance words meaning nothing to you [your sex troubles].”

Bond is now shot “dead” or “fully impotent” but rather wakes with a beautiful lesbian. A young girl wants to watch his transformation through time (the same clock shown in Gold finger and Thunder ball!) and Bond hides his transformation from her but onyl somewhat successfully. 007 wrestles with lesbian Pussy Galore, him on top, her on top, she his near-equal, while Leiter assures his younger and virile but inexperienced CIA colleague that Bond will be at Gold finger’s ranch all day with the girls. (I haven’t entirely formulated what the “palm trees in Kentucky” metaphor indicates here but have submitted my research thus far to the AMA.)

Only Galore’s “maternal instincts” save the day for Bond’s sexual prowess. Bond does manage though, ONCE. At last, “Grand Slam” is revealed, and also, why it means to nothing to Bond’s quest to not only serve MI-6 but himself, and find where “all the gold is”. It’s not that the aged Gold finger wants to re-acquire more potency or “gold”. He wants to keep the whole world from having it and makes his own, relatively smaller stock seem bigger! Remember, dear reader, Bond has spent several long hours taking stock of Gold finger’s plan and now has an added measure of respect for Gold finger’s plan, even underestimating the amount of time the “gold” will be “dead to the world”. (President Kennedy/Johnson’s “good gold” of the bank of America, of course.)

Finally, oh finally, things will turn about or even “up”. Pussy and the girls “kill” the American soldiers, Leiter included, though they will soon pop up fully erect to defeat Gold finger’s minions! Odd job will be killed using the very weapon that was to sever Bond’s head (Though, mind you, even Bond could not sever Odd job’s massive head with it directly) and Odd job will be “positviely shocked.”

A frustrated Bond is about to yank his own cord in two, however, when the bomb will be stopped by an older man who presses a button, more gently than Bond’s rough and desperate touch, stopping the countdown just as it is about to erase “007,” Bond’s “hot number.” Things are really looking up for Bond, (pun not intended) especially when he is to board a plane and have a few more beverages (“Brandies, perhaps?”) before he meets the President who was formerly entirely satisfied himself!

Bond sucks Gold finger out through a hole using Gold finger’s own impotent gun, which Gold finger may only wave about, idly. There is a final moment of frightened exhilaration, one last danger, when even Pussy Galore cannot turn the doomed phallic plane away from its arc, which is nearly straight downward. The plane explodes prematurely before hitting the “wet” and then Bond completes the pre-teaser picture by wrapping him and Galore in the parachute (full body condom again and ultimate closure).

James Bond’s virility will be back!

Then again, sometimes gold is just…gold.

Five James Bonds To Visit Fan Festival

**Historic Event Unites EON Film Legends In New York**

In an unprecedented event in 007’s history, all five principal actors who have portrayed the secret agent with a License to Kill will meet on Saturday, April 13, 2002 in New York City, to kick off a half-year-long official MGM fortieth anniversary celebration of the James Bond movie phenomenon, culminating in late 2002 with the release of the 20th Bond film. “Dr. No,” the first James Bond movie for the big screen, was first released to theatres in 1962.

The Bondlist staff and many member contributors will be present to witness this historic undertaking. One of the largest press cadres ever seen in New York is expected to be present at this special event, which will rival
the most popular theatre and film events in scope. Coney Island’s world famous amusement fair will be the setting for this incredible event honoring the 007 legacy and James Bond’s fans worldwide.

Richard Kiel, known to an adoring public mainly as the world’s most nefarious orthodontics patient, “Jaws,” will bite lustily into a delicious Coney Island frankfurter covered with five unique condiments to celebrate the five James Bonds of the EON films and begin the day’s schedule of events. Kiel’s foot-long frank and bun will be slathered with six eggs of choice Beluga “Thunderball Caviar,” seven wafer-thin slices of “Roger’s Smooth Foie Gras,” two gourmet “Daylights White Truffles,” three meager squirts of “Mars Attacks Ketchup” and one cheap dash of on “Her Majesty’s Secret Recipe Mustard”. “I plan to go to thish shinding to shee Richard again while jusht enjoying my favorite Nathan’sh hot dogsh,” shed [said] Shir Shean [Sir Sean] Connery.

The event will also celebrate (shellabrate?) the hoopla 49th anniversary of the publication of “Casino Royale”, Ian Fleming’s first novel, released for general distribution by Jonathan Cape on the afternoon of April 13, 1953. “I’ve yet to actually read any book of more than a few pages’ duration, but plan to browse quite carefully the dust jacket notes of the first edition Casino Royale on display in Brooklyn next April…That ought to do me nicely,” said suave Australian actor George Lazenby, who nearly killed single-handedly the James Bond movies in 1969’s “On Her Majesty Secret Service”, rescued only by an intense, dubbed performance by Gabriele Ferzetti as “Marc-Ange Draco”.

A giant compendium of James Bond movie collectibles will also be displayed at the big show, including the legendary Japanese “For Your Eyes Only Melina Havelock” trading cards as a complete set. A special limited edition Aston
Martin DB5 model from Johnny Lightning, made especially for this show and limited to only umpteen-jillion copies, will be presented to Sir Sean and “the other fellas”. It is not known whether the five Bonds will rip open their packages instantly to trade with each other to acquire the trading cards inside with their own likenesses.

Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby and Pierce Brosnan will then read aloud from the main stage podium a prepared tribute to their dear friend, Sean Connery, in honor of his knighthood by H.R.M. Queen Elizabeth,
with the first words of the text reading, “Thank you for making 16 hack spinoffs and more of “Goldfinger” possible, and for keeping an entire movie company, indeed the entire movie industry, gainfully employed.” Following the ceremony, Connery is expected to sue persons unknown for more than a quarter of a billion dollars.

More than five million fans are expected to crowd the world’s most famous beach late on Friday afternoon to receive autographed color still photos signed by all five Bonds personally, for only $5 apiece. Selected scenes from the twentieth EON opus, “Dr. Pepper Chancefinger,” will be later be shown on giant water sleds in the Atlantic Ocean offshore, following the event’s nighttime fireworks display over the New York City beach. The world famous Blue Angels will also flyover the show during the day, with, of course, five veddy British-like fighter pilots in tight formation thrilling the adoring crowds below. NYC Mayor Rudolph Giulani is expected to join Senator Hillary-Rodham Clinton in providing a commemorative Key to the City, shaped like General Ourumov’s GoldenEye passkey, along with substantial tax benefits and building permits within midtown Manahattan, to each of the five Bonds.

Diana Rigg is rumored to be the “Mystery” guest along with Barry Nelson at the closed party “Casino Night” for EON cast and crew on the evening of Friday, April 12. Meanwhile, Charles Gray, “Ernst Stavro Blofeld” in 1971’s “Diamonds Are Forever,” along with headliners Donald Pleasence and Telly Savalas, the three principal actors who portrayed the larger than life arch-villain onscreen with the Bonds, could not be reached for comment.

To sign up ahead of time for press passes to this historic event, visit the Five Bonds Historicity Website at

Film Bloopers: The Eye That Never Sleeps

“The Eye That Never Sleeps” is more than a chapter designation in Ian Fleming’s novel, “Diamonds Are Forever”. It is an expression we coin at 007Forever to refer to the watchful eyes of line producers, directors, script editors, etc. who are vigilant to check on their films in progress for “bad matches,” moments when movie continuity or logic goes awry.

It stands as a great testimony to the staff of EON Productions these last 35-plus years that the Bond films are as outstanding as they are, with few goofs, though fanatics who have seen the movie 97 times always manage to catch something…

If you see bugaboos not reported here send them along to us online!

Cheers and happy viewing!

While Bond is in the car with Aki and talking on the monitor with Tiger Tanaka, the background and foreground projection shows a bend coming up in the road but Aki doesn`t turn the steering wheel so technically they should have gone straight off.

Gun barrel opening: Bond stumbles during his turn and shoot as in Thunderball and You Only Live Twice.

In the scene with “Marie,” the camera cuts to a shot of Bond, who moves too far away at one point, too close for a conversation and back again. Dubbing is not too hot here either. Check it out.

Q’s Amazing Jacket: During the teaser, Bond splashes mud on his jacket. He stands up and the jacket is spotless again. Squirting “Blofeld” with water in that scene, the “deceased” blinks and flinches.

Maurice Binder’s main sequence has Blofeld’s cat do a few strange moves across the titles. Watch closely.

As Sir Donald walks to his liquor table and Bond follows, the camera and crew are a reflection in Munger’s bookcase. Same thing happens as Peter Franks drives to the customs office and parks his car out front of an office window. The crew lingers even as Moneypenny grabs Bond’s car.

Sir Donald says, “The whole process, from start to finish, operates under an airtight security system. It’s an essential precaution, even though the industry prides itself on the loyalty and devotion of its workers.” The second time he repeats this entire line!, he adds the word “necessary” after “essential.”

Wint kills the dentist with a deadly and dreaded rubber scorpion. Beware this incredibly deadly beast in the Las Vegas desert also! Watch out!

The helicopter lands in the desert with a red stripe on the rear of the craft. Wint and Kidd hand the pilot a box containing diamonds as the red stripe changes to a green stripe.

The famous elevator fight is one of the finest action scenes ever shot on film. Peter Franks hefts a crowbar, however, that he mysteriously drops, re-lifts and drops again very quickly as he is sprayed with the fire extinguisher.

Shady Tree opens Bond’s smoking hot coffin with his bare hands. Ouch!
Willard Whyte spares no expense, even for his pipeline, inside which, underground at night, Bond can see quite well, thanks.
In the sideshow at the casino, the fellow running the action identifies “the beast” as originating from Nairobi, South Africa. Nairobi is in Kenya, not even in Southern Africa.

Bond’s famous rental, a ‘71 Ford Mustang, has California plates at the shop in Las Vegas. Bond leaves McCarrin Airport in the ‘Stang, driving it just down the street and into the lot of the “Whyte House”—a movie “fast trip” if ever there was one. If we can go that fast in July, we will see plenty of sights during our Bond Weekend 1999!

Bond sneaks aboard Dr. Metz’s minivan with a henchman in a car behind the minivan—the henchman does not bat an eye at Bond’s breaking and entering! The bumbling Metz does not notice Tiffany Case following close behind all the way to Techtronics, either.

The moonbuggy crashes through the wall of Techtronics through a rather small hole—watch closely. The famous buggy wheel flies off and back on again in two quick cuts. “Q” picked up a variation on this in a recent BMW sedan, you know—re-inflating tires, actually John Gardner’s idea.

Leaving Techtronics, 00-you-know-who says “If you see a mad professor in a mini bus, just smile.” The boom microphone on the shoot appears in the front windshield and throughout this entire scene.

During the car chase down Fremont Street, it appears as if people have gathered to watch the filming of a movie—not too much different from our Bond Weekends, really, when we wear our costumes on Friday night! During the chase, when cars go on the sidewalk, four people are nearly struck. They run out of the way just in time—actually disappearing like David Copperfield in the next shot! Watch closely.

Luckily, outside the Golden Nugget casino, a barricade is thoughtfully blocking pedestrians from injury! (Bond drives past the Golden Nugget Casino a dozen times in less than a few seconds, by the way—those Mustangs do go fast.)

When the police chase Bond and Tiffany through the parking lot, you can see wooden panels on the side of a building to cushion the impact of the police car, which crashes into it.

Need we mention that Bond tilts the Mustang to the right to get through the gap between buildings, but upon emerging, the car is tilted to the left? Probably not, but did you notice the fake alleyway was widened for the Mustang to pass through, then narrowed so the police car couldn’t give chase? The Mustang was angled wider on two wheels than on four.

When Bond rides the elevator outside the Whyte House, you can see his shadow on the street below. This is when he is at the top of the elevator. Now 007 casts a big shadow, but not that big. Apparently, his shadow is on the rear projection screen that shows the background of the street.

When Bond seeks help from Q in finding Willard Whyte, Q changes Bond’s voice so that he sounds like Blofeld’s accomplice, Bert Saxby. Blofeld gives “Saxby” an order to assassinate Willard Whyte. How does the real Saxby know to do so later?

When Bond is fighting Bambi and Thumper they throw him into a stack of metal tubes. You can see that all the tubes fall over Bond, but the last one takes a little longer time before it falls over completely. Once this tube hits the floor, there is no loud crash like there was for the previous ones—perhaps another of Q’s patented tricks.

During the fight between Bambi and Thumper, a close look at the black villainess’s dive into the pool shows her to be a different stunt actress, wearing a wig. Once she is in the pool, however, she is clearly a white stuntwoman in poor makeup!

After Bambi and Thumper have pushed Bond in the pool, he manages to get the upper hand and hold them underwater. His hair is a mess—obviously, Roger Moore was called in as a stunt double, though, for Bond’s coif is back to normal, moments later. During the pool fight, Bond holds Bambi underwater with his right hand and a moment later releases her from under his left hand. Following the above, Bond climbs out of the pool completely soaked yet his clothes are dryer than his martini when he meets Willard Whyte!

Saxby is shot in typical Bond style, with little blood and no bullet hole.

When Q uses his “RPM controller” in the Whyte House casino, no jackpot bells indicate any big wins.

It is essential to the plot that Tiffany is ignorant that Blofeld runs the smuggling pipeline. She tells Bond, “All I hear are voices on the phone…” yet she chooses to follow Blofeld walking through the hotel lobby with “her” white cat.

Master chemist and scientist Ernst Blofeld says, “Science was never my strong suit!” Charles Gray as Blofeld also has a full head of hair. Apparently, he is not just the President of SPECTRE, he’s also a member!

Q’s “inflatable container” for the oil rig scene is truly wondrous—its parachutes unhook and completely disappear without any aid from Bond. Did you catch those inflatables again lately in the movie The Avengers?

Bond escapes from confinement under the oil rig and bullets impact close to him. An explosives charge to simulate bullet hits can be seen in mid-air and a plume of smoke when the “gunshots” have ceased.

Five “good guy” helicopters fight the oil rig, including one carrying Willard Whyte, who manages to switch copters in mid-air. Watch closely for his “different” than “same” copter.

The high priest is bitten by his snakes when he fells into the coffin. But minutes later he stands with a snake above his head. (By the way – it is NOT a poisonus snake – it is a constrictor!!!)

In the pretitle sequence an assasin is sent to kill Scaramanga. On his gun he carries a silencer, yet when he shoots it, you can clearly hear the sound of a gun without the silencer attached.

When James takes the Lotus Esprit into the water, he askes her if she can swim and Anya lets out a scream of fright. Yet minutes later she is pushing buttons in the car and confessing she stole the blueprints to the car years ago. Well, if she stole the blueprints years ago, why was she so scared?

Bond is fleeing his pursuers on skis in Austria (actually Asgards Peak in Canada) when he skis off a cliff. Look closely and you will see the path had been cleared previously by the crew for the stunt to take place.

When Bond is fighting in the plane if you look at the flap at the back of his jacket there are two slits but when he has been pushed out of the plane the jacket changes to just one slit at the back.

Playing Chemin de Fer, 007 gets a five and an ace. Yet the croupier gives Bond the win by stating he accumulated a count of nine.

When Bond kicks Locques car over the cliff you can see that the car has no engine. Yet it was a fully functioning car just seconds before. Did Bond strip the car for it`s engine and other parts before killing Locque? And when Locque`s body is thrown from the car, it`s clear that the “body” is a dummy, or mannequin.

In the sunken ship sequence between Bond, Melina, and the intruder in the diving suit, a cable can be seen pulling Mrs. Bouqet up towards the ceiling in order to “tear” her wetsuit. The man in the diving suit was supposed to be strong enough to push Melina up towards the ceiling, but the producers obviously gave him a little help.

In the pre-credits sequence, as the Acrostar flies through the warehouse, you can see if you look carefully enough the pole upon which the mock jet is impaled on.

When Vijay is “fishing” (while James is with Octopussy), his shirt is 2 buttons shy of being buttoned to the top. When the intruders sneak attack him from front and behind, they rip his shirt 4 buttons down and nearly to the navel. Then when Gobinda walks down the steps and looks at Vijay, his shirt is back to being buttoned 2 buttons from the top. Then, when we look at Vijay from the vantage point of the goon with the buzzsaw, we see Vijay`s shirt is unbuttoned 3 or 4 notches again.

During the film`s climax, the stuntman doubling for 007`s parachute can clearly be seen when the wind blows open his jacket. Later, when Gobinda falls off the plane, you can clearly see the orange straps of his parachute underneath his jacket as he spins away.

Mayday and Zorin put Bond in the Rolls Royce and let it roll into the lake. Yet you can see the cable pulling the car into the lake (obviously gravity needed a helping hand).

In the mine shaft scene between Bond, Mayday and Stacy, Mayday grabs Stacy`s uniform and tries ripping it to shreds. Stacy slips out of it in an effort to give Mayday the slip, but Mayday rips the left side of Stacy`s skirt clear up the left thigh. And yet amazingly Stacy emerges from the shaft with skirt intact. She`s also wearing high heels, but on the Golden Gate Bridge her heels somehow managed to give way to flat heeled shoes.

How does Stacy manage to be snuck upon by a blimp? In any case, the harness that holds Christopher Walken in as he reaches out to grab Tanya Roberts can clearly be seen for about two seconds. Also, note the change in hair style between Mrs. Roberts and her stuntwoman as the stuntwoman gets swept up into the zeppelin.

When James and Kara are surrounded by Czech police out on the large, icy lake, Kara yells out James` name. Yet he had never told her his name. How did she know? 007 would never have passed up an opportunity to say his famous line.

The hole in the ice that Bond`s tire rim cut is quite large when first cut. But when the police car falls into the lake, the circle seems to have shrunk. Also, notice how Bond`s car tire is blown off in one sequence but then later shows up when he makes the car jump over the Czech border patrol. Apparently “Q” invented re-inflating tires but failed to publcize the invention till Bond`s Tomorrow Never Dies mission.

Kara makes Bond a vodka martini at their villa in Tangier. She asks him: “Did I get it right?”, implying that they`d not only had drinks before, but that he`d taken the time to show her how he likes his martini made. Yet when was there ever time to stop for martinis?

During the climactic showdown in the C-130 Hercules (disguised to represent a Russian transporter), Necros and Bond fight in the bay doors. They are clearly open. But then in the very next wide shot of the plane, the cargo doors are closed. Not only are the doors closed, but the wire the model is hanging on shimmers ever so briefly in the light.

Bond tells Kara to get in the jeep quickly. There`s no place to land. The plane`s propellers stop twirling in mid air, yet before it crashes all four propellers are twirling again. What`s worse, when Bond and Kara propel out of the back of the plane, it`s mere feet off the ground. Yet when it slams into the mountain, it has managed to climb several hundred feet in seconds.

Bond infiltrates Whitaker`s villa in the dead of night. Yet when he knocks out the guard patrolling the pool area, it is daylight outside. Somone did a poor job of masking or filtering the time of day the scene was shot.

When Koskov`s plane lands in Afghanistan, it`s equipped with a kitchen, overhead compartments, and seated rows. The next day none of that is in the plane, and instead a jeep has been put in place. While this isn`t technically a blooper, did Koskov switch planes? Was the plane`s seating area portable? A little explanation wouldn`t have hurt. Then there`s the matter of Kara, Necros and Koskov and Saunder`s assasination at Prater Park. It`s hard to believe that Necros didn`t know that Koskov had a girlfriend, let alone that she was the sniper and was alive and well and with Bond in Prater Park. If he had, the whole dynamic of his plan would`ve changed because he then would`ve known Bond was on to the three of them (Necros, Koskov and Whitaker).

Bond, in a stolen tanker truck, realizes he`s about to be shot at with one of the Stinger Missles. So he steers the tanker over a mini-hill and tilts the truck on it`s left wheels. This allows the Stinger Missle to miss Bond and hit a tanker Bond forced into the side of a mountain minutes earlier. The only problem with this sequence is the long shot that shows the area behind Bond is flat, straight and without a tanker truck.

Bond mentions to Lupe that he thought she hated “that thing” (the Iguana). How could he know that since he wasn`t around when she told that to Sanchez?

In “License”, Bond and Leiter can be seen circling the church at low altitudes in the chopper, but when they jump out, they are suddenly very high up!

In License To Kill, Sanchez gets back at Leiter for capturing him. Leiter is permanently maimed, and his new bride raped and murdered. The question is: Why wasn`t there retaliation against Bond? After all, it was Bond that reeled Sanchezes plane in. The writers threw in the line that Bond was “just along for the ride”, but that was essentially thrown in to make it look like Sanchez wouldn`t waste his time on a man like Bond, and thus allow Bond to track Sanchez down in Isthmus and kill him. This still doesn`t make sense because Bond goes to Isthmus and uses his real name. It`s highly unlikely that Bond`s name never came up when Killifer briefed Sanchez on who captured him. If Sanchez was only interested in Leiter, why kill Della? Essentially, this was one plot point injustice overlooked that eventually created even more plot holes.

When Bond and Natalya slide down the dish, pads and rollers can clearly be seen underneath them in several key shots (particularly when Natalya`s legs are up in the air).

James and Natalya are nearly over the lake and into the woods, yet when then the missle hits the plane there manages to be enough water for the plane to skid across.

When Bond leaves the casino and runs up the stairs at the outdoor theatre, he views the yacht by putting the single lens of the binoculars to his LEFT eye. Then the scene cuts to the nameplate of the yacht (MANTICORE) and Bond is looking through the lens with his RIGHT eye–Alex Ayres

Why do Trevelyan’s guards shoot machine guns near 006’s gas tanks, the very thing someone was killed for earlier in Russia? Did Bond then slide a gun or a limpet mine across the floor? Watch carefully.

Bond somehow gets a pair of racing gloves on while riding the second motorcycle.

Questionable: When Bond is done racing Onatopp, the MI6 evaluator demands that Bond stop the car at once. Bond pulls the emergency brake, and stops the car. The problem is this: Bond is driving on the right side of the car, but he is shown pulling the emergency brake with his right hand. The emergency brake is in the middle, so how could Bond pull the brake with his right hand?

Answer: On all Aston Martin DB5s, the emergency brake is located between the driver’s seat and the door. It is perfectly normal for Bond to pull the emergency brake with his right hand. (Yes, you have to climb over it to get out of the car!)

The Aston Martin DBS and V8 cars have their brake in the middle, and the DB7 put it back out by the door again (though in recent models it retracts after being set).

It was, however, stupid of Bond to pull the brake–since locking the Aston`s rear wheels would make his car skid sideways–out of control. With four-wheel power disc brakes at his disposal, using the mechanical handbrake was reckless and irresponsible. Q would have told him that. –Tim Adams and Jim Sieff

Bond’s plane is just crossing the shoreline when he is struck by a missle yet his plane makes it safely to land.

Natalya’s gun in hand flips back and forth due to an editing error when she has boarded a helicopter.

When Bond first uses his Ericcson Cellular to drive the car remotely at the airport, you can see someone driving it in the floorboard. His shadow is briefly visible.

Bond and Wai Lin both take an outdoor shower in the slums of Vietnam. And yet when Wai Lin handcuffs Bond to the shower and walks off to retreive her flowery shirt, she is suddenly dry as a desert and her hair is wind blown and perfectly coiffed.

In Tomorrow Never Dies, Stamper is on a roof across Bonds hotel. First, there is a view from above with a black Merc SL in front of the Hotel, then it is gone only to reappear (after a quick spin arond the block?)

When the BMW goes off the roof of the parking deck, you can see that the car has a tinted glass moonroof – not the body-color metal sunroof that you see on the car in all the other scenes. Also, in the `driverless` chase scene, you can see black spots on the front of the side view mirrors which were the cameras the real driver used to see where he was going. (The info on the cameras came from a great article published in the BMW Car Club of America`s magazine — Roundel –around the time TND was released.) D. Ziglar contributed to this report.

Elektra King’s earrings come on and off mysteriouslywithout explanation. This scene has another continutity error when Valentine bursts into through the door to see his nephew’s hat on a table. You see Elektra grab the gun and hat…twice!

How does Bond’s Z8 come back together again for the end of the film?

Bond and Jones jump out of the pipeline with Bond’s left jacket sleeve ripped and repaired again mysteriously.

The sunglasses that Bond wears while skiing are the CK 2007 shades. The sunglasses Bond wears in the casino are quite different. The CK 2007 has thicker, wider frames and arms around the wearer’s ear. The CK 2007 were not blue though the casino glasses were.

Dalton Replaces Brosnan

[Dalton brought in to replace injured Brosnan.] London AP reports:

In a surprise announcement today, Michael Wilson announced that current James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan is to be replaced by previous Bond star, Timothy Dalton. Suffering from a shoulder injury while carrying coffee across the set, Brosnan has been bedridden for the past three weeks and has rarely appeared on set. His body double has taken on some of the load but now that some close ups are due, he has agreed to step back and let Dalton take over.

When questioned about his decision, Wilson stated, “Come on. Do you really think anyone will even notice? I mean, it wasn’t until The Spy Who Loved Me that anyone even realized Sean Connery had departed the series.”

Considering Dalton has been out of the Bond franchise since 1989 he fits back into the role surprising well … Too well.

When asked about his return to Bond, Dalton was quoted as saying he was “thrilled to finally be back in the series that dumped on him ten years ago”. He was then asked if he had any concerns about Brosnan returning to the set, and he smiled and said “that won’t be happening”.

It seems like the American Outlaws star is finally back where he wanted to be.

Below The Surface (Mature Audiences Only)

WARNING: This article deals with adult subject matter and may not be suitable for all visitors. Discretion is advised.

In May, 007Forever writer Nick Kincaid stunned the Bond community with his litany of sexual subtext and metaphors found in A VIEW TO A KILL. The result of the article wasa heightened awareness and increased interest in the subtext of all the James Bond films. If ALIEN 3 was really about Ellen Ripley as Jesus Christ, or the X-MEN about the way gay teenagers are treated in society, then you can bet a movie that seems as straightforward and simple as a Bond flick is bound to have some subtext, whether intentional or not.

Some films are more obvious than others. Some make more profound statements than others. But all of them have some common thread or underlying message that if you look closely enough you are bound to find.


By: John Cox

Good films have subtext. What do I mean by subtext? On the surface Raiders of the Lost Ark is about an archeologist seeking to find the lost Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis do. That`s its TEXT. But is that all it`s about? Is this basic “plot” enough to tap into the worldwide public consciousness and produce a phenomenon? No way. What makes Raiders resonate, the reason we find ourselves saying, “That was a really good movie,” is we are having an unconscious reaction to the SUBTEXT. What Raiders is REALLY about is an atheist`s search for God. Now, you`re not necessarily supposed to know this is what Raiders is about, but you ARE supposed to feel it. It`s one of the ways movies manipulate you emotionally. And despite what some people will argue, good filmmakers use subtext the way they use lighting. It`s all very specific and intentional but designed to be invisible.

As a rule, subtext is communicated with metaphors. To continue with the Raiders example: In the beginning, when confronted with any mention of spirituality, Indy flatly says he doesn`t believe in “all that hocus-pocus” and calls the lightning coming from the Ark “the power of God OR SOMETHING.” He communicates skepticism without ever using the word atheist. But the Ark can prove the existence of God; therefore, metaphorically, the Ark IS God. By the end of the film, Indy has been “converted” by his experiences and commits the ultimate act of faith by closing his eyeswhen the Ark is opened. “Don`t look at it!” he screams to Marion. Indy demonstrates that he does not seek proof. HE BELIEVES, and therefore, God spares his life. Now, if this movie were about its text, the ending would be a letdown. After all, Indy loses the Ark. But that`s not the feeling we have at the end of Raiders because the REAL story has been resolved. Indy got what he needed and a girlfriend to boot! Raiders uses subtext masterfully as do most good films.

So for my Bond brethren here at Forever, I`ve jotted down what I see as the subtext in three James Bond films: You Only Live Twice, From Russia with Love, and GoldenEye. What follows may forever change the way you look at these three films. Like Indy, you don`t have to believe in all this “hocus-pocus,” but I`m going to open the Ark of the filmmaker anyway. It`s up to you whether to look or close your eyes.

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967) — James Bond goes to Hell

You Only Live Twice is a perfect title for this Bond adventure. Having been “killed” in the beginning of the movie, it`s as if Bond is having an out-of-body experience. This is exactly what this movie is about. After the megapic Thunderball, where else could Bond go but to the afterworld? Never has a world seemed so out of Bond`s control; yet never has Bond seemed so utterly resigned to his fate. “I just might retire to here,” he tells Tiger. If one thinks I`m reading too much into YOLT, one only has to be reminded that the author of the screenplay is Roald Dahl, who wrote such psychedelic journeys as “Charlie & the Chocolate Factory” and “James & the Giant Peach.”

Bond starts the movie in familiar 007 surroundings — in bed with a woman — except this conquest is Asian, a fact unusual enough for Bond to comment on it: “Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?” His instincts prove correct when this woman turns out to be the Angel of Death. Bond is “killed” before our eyes, and we drift into the title sequence. But are we seeing puffy clouds and harps? No. We`re in a world of volcanoes and lava. James Bond has gone to Hell. Or, at least, Purgatory. The movie opens with Bond being buried at sea. The movie, as a metaphor, really begins here as Bond`s corpse is retrieved by two divers (flying angels) who bring it not back to the surface but aboard a submarine (the first of many phallic symbols in this film). “Permission to come aboard?” asks Bond.

After a briefing (where M and all are dressed in white uniforms and Bond is in black) 007 is ejected from the sub`s torpedo tube. 007 as sperm? You bet. Appropriately, Bond surfaces in a world that`s entirely unfamiliar to him, a world in which he is constantly trapped and fooled usually by women. In this strange new upside-down world, Bond is called “Zero Zero” instead of 007, and even his martini order is mysteriously reversed, “stirred, not shaken,” which Bond confirms as “perfect.” Bond admits to Tiger that he`s never been to Japan, which is odd for a man as worldly as James Bond, and didn`t he mention an affair with “Ann in Tokyo” in From Russia with Love? Also revealing is the fact that YOLT is the only single location Bond film. Even Dr. No has scenes set in London. There`s no globetrotting here. He`s stuck.

Things get even more surreal when Bond must “become Japanese.” Die a little deeper? He`s operated on in a womblike room, married, and given a home in a pearl diving village where, strangely enough, he seems perfectly content! But a violent reminder of his own death (again in a bed) snaps Bond out of his passivity, and it`s off to the volcanic lair of the villain. Here, for reasons not fully explained, Bond thinks the answer to the crisis at hand is to go into outer space (ascend into the heavens). But just as Bond is about to finally leave this world, the master of the volcano recognizes him and shouts, “Stop that astronaut!”

It`s appropriate that Blofeld is seen for the first time in YOLT. Up to this point in the series, Blofeld has only been an unseen, omniscient presence, who motivates other men to commit his evil deeds. The clearest metaphor of the film is that Blofeld is the Devil. Who else would live in a volcano? The obviousness of this prompts Bond to pretty much admit to the subtext of the film when he tells Blofeld, “This is my second life.”

Of course, it all ends in a fiery destructive explosion caused not by Bond but by Blofeld, and Bond finds himself back where he was at the end of Thunderball: in a raft with a bikini-clad woman. Back to the familiar world of 007. Back to the surface. Resurrection.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963) — Sex and the Secret Agent

In From Russia with Love, James Bond is sent to Istanbul to sleep with a Russian cipher clerk in order to get a decoder machine. “Just make sure you measure up,” warns M. The villain`s plot? Capture 007`s sexual performance on film and use it to discredit the Secret Service when his “suicide” is discovered. Kinky stuff? You bet. And there`s more. Much more.

From Russia with Love is really a catalog of “secret” sexual fetishes thinly veiled by the world of the `60s Secret Agent. Think about it. FRWL depicts sadism (making two fish fight to the death); oil massage (Grant on SPECTER island); S&M (Klebb`s handy riding crop and brass knuckles); pimp prostitution (Bond and Tatiana are both ordered to have sex); sexual fixation (Tatiana falls in love with a photo of Bond “like young girls fall in love with movie stars”); lesbianism (Tatiana`s “interview” with Klebb); polygamy (Kerim`s multiple children suggest multiple wives); stripping (or in this case belly dancing); catfighting (more on this later); menage a trois (Bond is delivered both gypsy girls to his tent); bondage (the dead Prussian in the back of the Renault is very well tied); oral sex (Tatiana`s mouth is just the “right size” for Bond); voyeurism (the men watch Bond and Tatiana as they secretly film them, among MANY other examples); public exhibitionism (Tatiana wants to wear her nightgown “in Piccadilly”); sadomasochistic homosexuality (the Grant-Bond confrontation); and yes, even foot worship (how else can you account for the appeal of that spike-tipped shoe or Grant`s insistence that Bond, “Crawl over here and kiss my foot!”). Much of this comes from the novel, and it`s no secret that Fleming enjoyed a taste of the whip from time to time.

The gypsy girlfight is FRWL`s most infamous and sadistic scene. Never has a Bond movie felt so much like a snuff film. Where most movies poke fun at “catfights,” this film puts it on a level of gladiatorial match. They don`t say the girls are fighting to death, but they don`t say they aren`t! In fact, the fight between the two women “in love with the same man” is so savage (or so arousing?) that Bond asks for it to be stopped. Strange that the only way we`re “saved” from this scene is by an explosion of good old-fashioned gunplay. Stranger yet is the relief we feel at the arrival of this “safer” movie violence. How sexually charged is this scene? When FRWL aired on ABC throughout the `70s and `80s, the ENTIRE gypsy camp sequence was cut from the film. I doubt it was because of the belly dancer. Related to the girlfight in its depiction of sexual violence not usually found in a Bond film is when Bond hits Tatiana in REAL anger aboard the Orient Express. It`s interesting to note that Bond is posing as her husband at the time. Her crime? She lied to him. Dark.

But the confrontation with Grant is the ultimate ordeal for James Bond in this sexually lethal world. Of all sexual terrors, being on the end of a homosexual rape certainly ranks high. The lead-up to the fight is highly charged with innuendoes. Grant has clearly been aroused by the footage of Bond and Tatiana`s lovemaking. A line which exists in the continuity script but is missing from existing prints is when Grant says, “What a performance!” Grant makes Bond get on his knees (waist level) and tells him it`ll be “painful and slow.” Let`s not forget that this whole confrontation is taking place in a train compartment (real bunk, real bed). And what`s the first thing that goes when they start their “struggle”? The light. There`s an orgasmic quality to Grant`s silent death, but maybe I should stop here before I lose the family audience, which, by the way, is what the movie does. In the book, the Grant-Bond fight is the climax of the story and rightfully so. But the filmmakers felt compelled to give us a helicopter and boat chase, which dilute the sexual subtext of the film. But maybe that`s the intent. After all, sometimes a boat chase is just a boat chance.

GOLDENEYE (1995) — James Bond Finds Himself

If GoldenEye had not been a huge success when it was released in the fall of 1995, the James Bond series would have ended then and there. After the disappointment of License to Kill and a six-year hiatus, the question facing MGM and the Bond empire was “Is James Bond still relevant?” Cleverly enough, the filmmakers decided to make a James Bond film that was specifically ABOUT James Bond`s struggle to find his place in the modern world. Not since YOLT was a Bond film so blatantly symbolic and so psychologically interesting.

As if to erase the Dalton years, GoldenEye starts in 1986 (a year before The Living Daylights) and then jumps “Nine Years Later,” presumably to 1995, as a Bond film always takes place “today.” This time passage device (the only time it has been used in a Bond film) tells us right off the bat that this is a movie which puts character ahead of plot. In other words, it`s ABOUT James Bond and not the global repercussions of some event that we see in the pre-titles sequence or opening scene. When we first see Bond in this film, he`s hanging UPSIDE-DOWN. And what`s 007 doing when we meet him nine years later? He`s TURNING A CORNER. But the old Bond is still very much in evidence. He seduces a girl, wears a tux, drives the Aston Martin DB5, gambles in a casino, orders a martini “shaken not stirred,” and smokes out a crime syndicate — all this in the opening two scenes! He`s also back in the personage of Pierce Brosnan, whom the public has associated with James Bond from the time he lost the role in 1986. (Hey, there`s that year again.)

But after this nostalgic romp, Bond fails in his mission to stop the robbery of the Tiger helicopter, and we FADE OUT. Fade out? Is this the end of the movie? In a way, it is because now we begin the first postmodern James Bond film, a film in which James Bond is not the master of his universe. For the next hour, 007 is ridiculed for being a “sexist misogynist dinosaur,” out of touch and irrelevant in the post Cold War world. M is more than just a woman now. She`s a mother! (“If I wanted sarcasm, I`d talk to my children,” she tells Tanner.) Up to this point in the 33 year history of the James Bond series, the concept of motherhood has been as nonexistent as, well, children. As a rule, Bond conquers the girl, and we roll credits, fast. Any relationship beyond that short circuits the fantasy. Everyone Bond encounters in this film slams him in a similar way. Valentin asks him if he`s “decided to join the 21st Century,” Jack Wade makes fun of his “secret codes and passwords,” Trevelyan suggests his martini intake is a means of escape, and sexual harassment is even suggested in his treatment of Miss Moneypenny! How does Bond respond? He doesn`t.

Instead Bond embarks on a mission to defeat the cold warrior inside himself by going to the source: Russia, a former enemy now crippled (like Valentin Zukovsky). Here, the traditional Bond girls are split (as is everything in this film) into opposing halves. Natalya is a beauty with brains, and Xenia is pure danger with a kink for killing that`s worthy of From Russia with Love. (For the first and only time in a Bond film, we get to see a woman achieve an orgasm. You`ve come a long way, baby.)

But it`s in the graveyard of discarded Soviet statues (heavy symbolism, but, hey, it works) that Bond finally encounters the REAL enemy — his shadow. Like Bond, Alec Trevelyan, agent 006, is trapped in a time warp. Like Bond, he`s become both a myth (Janus) and a real man. But Trevelyan`s problem is he still clings to the hatred and suspicion that created the Cold War while Bond just clings to the sex appeal. Their struggle makes up the last half of the film, and the shadow nature of their relationship is so obvious that there`s hardly any need for metaphor. “James and I shared everything,” says Trevelyan. The most telling moment comes in the end of the film when Bond kills Trevelyan, not “for England” but “for me.” The cold warrior is dead. Mission accomplished. Welcome to the 21st Century, Mr. Bond.

Thanks, John. Now we take a look at some of the more fascinating Freudian quirks (intentional?) of the Bond screenwriters.

Who wanted Bebe more? Brink or Kristatos? That’s an interesting question if you allow for the possibility that Brink may have had more than just a professional interest in Bebe. Brink has almost all the characteristics of the stereotypical lesbian: short, butch haircut; dour face; militant attitude, particularly towards men. In For Your Eyes Only, Brink uses her job as Bebe’s coach to seduce her. The job is a convenient outlet from which she is able to express her rigid, militaristic attitude while allowing herself to get close to Bebe.

Notice that every time a male comes into the picture, Brink snaps at Bebe? When Bebe asks Bond to take her to the biathlon, Brink forces more work on her. When Bond later catches up with Bebe at the ice rink, Brink interrupts their conversation to announce that it is “time for your rubdown”. What were Bebe and Bond discussing? Eric Kreigler, a man! At the monastery in Greece, Brink successfully turns Bebe against her male sponsor, Kristatos. She then rubs Bebe’s back, strokes her hair, and tells her how innocent she is; how she needs a new sponsor. This last scene has the same sexual overtones as Rosa Klebb`s interrogation of Tatiana in FROM RUSSIA, WITH LOVE.

Male genitalia have been all over the Bond films, though in much more subtle ways than one would imagine. It’s often been said that men buy expensive sports cars to compensate for a small penis. If that’s the case, Bond’s history with cars such as the Aston Martin, Lotus Turbo Esprit and BMW Z-3 must indicate…. Well, you get the picture. His psychiatrist, Caroline, in GOLDENEYE made a very telling observation: “You’re just trying to show off the size of your…” Bond: “Engine?” Caroline: “Ego!”

Assuming this is true, the rocket Bond fires at Naomi’s helicopter in THE SPY WHO LOVED ME logically symbolizes Bond`s manhood. Motorcycles and gear shifts are often compared to and thought of as extensions of the male genitalia and if you can accept that theory, it becomes easier to see why a headlight firing rocket in THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS is a profound statement of Bond’s manhood, and not just another way to destroy the enemy.

This brings up an interesting scene from THUNDERBALL. When Count Lippe is being tailed by a motorcycle as he himself follows Bond, the viewer automatically assumes that the person on the motorcycle is a man. Why? Because a big, strapping piece of equipment like a motorcyle is always considered to be an extention of a man`s sexuality. The fact that it ends up firing an explosive rocket only confirms to the unsuspecting viewer that a man has been on the motorcyle. Even if the viewer hadn`t conciously told him/herself that the rider was a man, they were surely shocked to see the rider take off the helmet and reveal themself to be a woman.

This one is too easy. Only in the Brosnan films have the cigars had as much sexual subtext, and even they they’ve been used as cheap, easy jokes. The cigar in both GOLDENEYE and THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH are phallic symbols. Xenia strokes her cigar upright while telling Bond how she likes her martini. The flirtation and the message therein are obvious.

In THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Bond brings Moneypenny a cigar from Bilbao, Spain, enclosed in a phallic looking tube. The implication is again obvious. Moneypenny replies: “I know just where to put that” and then throws it into a trashcan, thus cutting off Bond’s masculinity quicker than Lorena Bobbitt.

No metaphor for male genitalia is more common or more pronounced than a gun. In THE NAKED GUN, Jane Spencer asks Lt. Frank Drebin about his gun: “Aren’t you afraid it might go off accidentally?”. He replies: “That’s why I think about baseball.”

Scaramanga’s golden gun is his, metaphorically speaking, penis. There can be no doubt that when he used that gun to trace the curve of Andrea Anders lips in THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN, he was simulating oral sex. Even the lyrics to the title song back up this claim: “Love is required, whenever he’s hired, it comes just before the kill”. After Scaramanga kills the solar energy expert outside the Bottoms Up Club, he returns to his junk and caresses Andrea’s face with his gun. I think you get the picture.

The gun that comes out of the mouth of one Bond Girl during the credits for GOLDENEYE is another sly, sexual innuendo. Daniel Kleinmann admits in an interview with 007 Magazine that it was intentionally put into the credits as a sort of sexual joke, even though the gun is coming out of the mouth rather than going in. Again, a gun is transparently a metaphor for male genitalia.

It can’t be a coincidence that the writers of THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH chose the name of Elektra as their villain, for it is from Greek mythology that Neal Purvis and Robert Wade undoubtedly came up with the inspiration for this character.

The Elektra Complex is a term originated from this Greek story: there was a guy named Oedipus who, at birth, was destined by fate to kill his father (who also happened to be the King of Thebes) and marry his mother. The people in Thebes thought that this was a pretty big deal, so when Oedipus was an infant, he was sent away. As an adult, Oedipus returns to Thebes only to – you guessed it – kill his dad and marry his mom. In psychological terms, a man who wants to kill his mother so he can marry his mother is said to have an Oedipus Complex. The opposite of that, for women, would be the Elektra Complex.

In the story of Oedipus, his father was a “King”. In THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, Elektra’s last name is “King”. In both the Greek myth and in the movie, the child comes back to kill the parent. The writers of The World Is Not Enough have taken some liberties with the mythos by having Elektra kill her father rather than her mother, but the symbolism is not lost on most viewers. Coincidentally, or not, Oedipus kills his father after having been banished for so many years. Elektra kills her father after having been kidnapped, not receiving a ransom (in effect, banishment) and eventually escaping.

TOMORROW NEVER DIES nods its head to the Oedipus Complex when Bond jokes about a skyscraper with Elliot Carver`s image on the side: `I always thought he had an edifice complex.`

Why The Six Year Gap Between LTK And GoldenEye?

If you want a quick, easy and condensed answer it would be because EON had to protect itself from what it felt were shady business practices that could potentially devalue the series; therefore a lawsuit was launched. And even after the new Bond film was given a start date to begin filming, it ended up having to be pushed back six months. The details of this tenuous, nearly seven year journey, would trace their roots back to studio unrest and lack of confidence extended towards License to Kill even before it had opened.

MGM/UA began to have serious concerns about bankrolling Bond films in which they had little creative input. Albert Broccoli had bought United Artists 50% stake in Danjaq in the early 80`s (UA bought the shares in 1975 from Harry Saltzman when he sold his interest in the series and got out of the business of making Bond films) and thus retained 100% total creative control over the direction the series would take. But with the studio facing internal financial problems, they needed more bang for their buck, and were becoming less enthralled with Broccoli`s decision making.

The tension began to manifest itself in the way in which MGM/UA marketed License To Kill, or should we say, didn`t market License To Kill. Bob Peak`s original artwork was scrapped in exchange for a low brow, lowest-common-denominator approach. His painted, “classic” style artwork was traded for a run-of-the-mill computer composite poster that featured Timothy Dalton, Robert Davi, Talisa Soto and Carey Lowell in a rather non-descript pose. The title was changed from the more poignant LICENSE REVOKED to the generic LICENSE TO KILL out of fear that the American audience was too stupid to differentiate a Bond film from a teenage driving flick. With the exception of a guest appearance on MTV by Talisa Soto, both she and Carey Lowell were conspicuously absent from print media, as well as television and radio talk shows to promote the film. It was enough to make Timothy Dalton, in 1989, declare to BONDAGE Magazine #16: “My feeling is this will be the last one. I don`t mean my last one. I mean the end of the whole lot. I don`t speak with any real authority, but it`s sort of a feeling I have. Sorry!”

Dalton probably knew more than he let on, but it was clear even to him that the series was already in danger and this was well before the messy legal action that would explode onto the scene one year later. Creative control issues were merely the beginning of Danjaq`s problems.

The North American box office receipts were abysmal: the film debuted in 4th place in its first weekend, dropped to 7th place in its second weekend and by the third weekend of release fell completely out of the Top 10. North American box office amounted to an underwhelming $34 million dollars (estimated). In August 1990 director John Glen and long time writer Richard Maibaum were unceremoniously dumped from the series. Variety Magazine quoted an anonymous, and apparently uninformed, EON insider as saying Maibaum was a “has-been” who had only contributed dialogue on the recent films.

The current script under development, which was to deal with robots run amok and take place in Scotland, Japan, and Hong Kong, was scrapped. At the same time, the August 8th issue of Variety reported that Cubby Broccoli put Danjaq, the company that holds the rights to the Fleming stories, up for sale and then handed over EON Productions to his daughter, Barbara Broccoli, and step-son Michael G. Wilson (to be fair, Michael and Barbara had been groomed for this responsibility for a long time and in conjunction with Cubby`s fragile health, this was as good a time as any to make a change). The asking price for Danjaq was a reported $200 million dollars, though conservative estimates placed the value nearer at $166 million. MGM/UA considered buying Danjaq, but balked at the steep price tag. Other big name players came and went on the financial scene, such as producer Joel Silver of “Lethal Weapon” fame. He was high on the idea of doing Bond and having his longtime friend and box office champ Mel Gibson play 007. But Silver, like others, found the exclusive distribution deal with MGM/UA too hard to swallow. No one wanted to be committed to a project that was tethered to a sinking studio.

The problems really began to pile up with the proposed merger of MGM/UA and Pathe Communications. Giancarlo Paretti, a corrupt Italian businessman with a long history of bank fraud and worthless checks, ran Pathe. Before Giancarlo even owned MGM/UA, he intended to sell off foreign television rights to the Bond series piecemeal in an effort to finance his takeover. He made outside deals with television networks in France, Spain, Italy, South Korea, and Japan without first consulting Danjaq. A deal with Ted Turner`s cable superstation TBS may have proven the most irksome. In his book “Bond and Beyond”, Tom Soter describes the prevailing attitude at the time towards the TBS deal for “James Bond Wednesdays”: “He (Cubby Broccoli) was angry about the way the previous movies had been sold to television–Ted Turner`s cable superstation TBS was running a Bond movie a week at one point-which Broccoli felt decreased the series value.” The TBS angle would become a side issue in a protracted two-year legal battle. Giancarlo Paretti bought MGM/Pathe on Oct. 22, 1990 for $1.3 billion and two days later signed a deal to sell 860 MGM/UA movie titles to Telecinco, a Spanish TV network. However, two weeks before that he signed a deal to sell 1,200 MGM/UA titles to Forta, another Spanish TV network.

Days before the merger though, Danjaq filed suit to block the deal. At the press junket for the movie GOLDENEYE, Goldeneye Magazine #4 (published by the Ian Fleming Foundation) recorded Michael Wilson`s comments in which he explained their strategic moves:”What happened was that Paretti took over MGM, and he wanted to have a leverage buyout, and we sued in federal court to enjoin him, and we failed, on the basis that if the leverage buyout went forward, that the company would be bankrupt, and four months later they were bankrupt.”

Kirk Kerkorian, who had sold MGM/UA to the Australian Company Qintex, sued over Paretti`s mismanagement. Kerkorian was in turn served with a shareholder lawsuit over his own sales of MGM/UA assets of back catalogue. In 1992, Crédit Lyonnais also brought a lawsuit against Kerkorian, claiming that Kerkorian had left MGM in financial disarray when he sold it to Paretti. Even Blake Edwards jumped in and sued MGM/Pathe over the rights to the Pink Panther series. Danjaq wasn`t the only company whose ties to MGM/Pathe seemed at times to be more of an albatross rather than a blessing.

After two years of litigation and negotiation Mr. Parretti lost control of MGM/Pathe to the French bank Crédit Lyonnais after defaulting on loan repayments in 1992. The French government in turn had to bail out Crédit Lyonnais to the tune of nearly $10 billion dollars. It had invested badly in the entertainment industry, and MGM/Pathe was just one of many bad judgement calls. Some Crédit Lyonnais bankers admitted they took bribes in exchange for overlooking Paretti`s questionable finances. Jean-Michel Raingeard, a spokesman for the Consortium de Realisation, the government company who liquidated Crédit Lyonnais assets, acknowledged: “This loss will be covered by the taxpayers at the end of the year”. Political heads rolled and a French Minister was sacked from his job. A consortium of buyers, led by Kirk Kerkorian, bought back MGM/UA. That deal left the French government, which took over MGM from the Crédit Lyonnais banking group, with roughly $1 billion dollars of losses.

Paretti had dropped out of sight for a while (thus prompting Crédit Lyonnais to declare him in default of his loan obligations) only to resurface in Italian court to answer to security fraud accusations. Paretti was wanted in both Europe and the United States.

In December of 1992 Pathe and Paretti were gone and MGM/Pathe went back to being MGM/UA. While the legal issues had dominated the Bond landscape for the better part of three years, it was now time to return to the issue of producing a new Bond film. By April of 1993 Michael France had been chose to write the new script.

Thinking the first draft would be turned in within twelve weeks, MGM/UA Chairman Alan Ladd proclaimed the project to be on the fast track. But that fast track had a few bumps along the way. France took longer to write the script than was originally expected. After rewrites by Bruce Feirstein, among others, it looked as if the project was all set. Filming was scheduled to begin August 1994 for a summer `95 release. Then, according to press reports at the time, TRUE LIES, Arnold Shwarzenegger`s 1994 film, came along and contained enough action sequence similarities to the current GOLDENEYE script that EON was forced to back off its August 1994 start date, rewrite the storyline and push production to January 1995. On January 16, 1995 principal photography began on GOLDENEYE in Leavesden, England. By the time GOLDENEYE was released in the United States on November 17th, 1995, nearly six and a half years had gone by.

Even if there had never been a single lawsuit filed and Paretti had never entered the picture, it is unlikely that another film would have been immediately made for release in 1991, nor would Dalton have returned to the role. The creative control issues became temporarily dwarfed by the litigation, but when the smoke and dust cleared from all of that, Dalton found himself right back where he started: on the hot seat. John Calley, CEO of MGM/UA in 1994 and 1995, was reportedly adamant that a new Bond be hired for the next film. Dalton was the “Bond of record”, but gracefully bowed out of the role, thus saving Albert Broccoli from having to make the hard call of firing Dalton.

Why Didn’t FYEO Follow TSWLM As In “Spy’s” Credits?

British actor Roger Moore, playing the title role of secret service agent 007, James Bond, is shown on location in England in 1972. (AP Photo)
With the success of “Star Wars”, Broccoli instead decided to film the only remaining Fleming title that could use an outer-space concept. (FYI, in the late 1960s EON hired the men responsible for the special effects in the British television series “Thunderbirds” to work on special effects for “Moonraker”. It`s interesting to contemplate what might have been done with Fleming`s novel had it been filmed as the follow-up to “OHMSS”.)

Some people claim that the “Thunderball” end-credits listed “OHMSS” as the next Bond film. It seems that all surviving copies sheer the credits before it gets to this spot. It`s also not clear whether “Dr No” said that Bond would return in “From Russia With Love”. Some claim it does, others that it doesn`t. “Octopussy” lists “From A View To A Kill” as the next Bond film; the “From” was subsequently dropped. “Octopussy” was the last Bond film to include the next film`s title. Since then, the credit simply reads “James Bond will return”. “License to Kill” was originally promoted as “License Revoked” until a title change by the marketing department.

Why Did GoldenEye’s DB5 Modify Goldfinger’s Aston’s License Number?

One of 007Forever`s visitors asked the question about the license plate so we put it out to our Newslektor subscribers to see if they could provide an answer. The general consensus from the Aston Martin experts that responded was that it was a legal reason that kept the producers from using the original license plate number.

Lydia said: “The car is supposed to be the same but they couldn`t use the plate number BMT 216A because of legal reasons.”

Rae Stewart concurs:”The explanation I remember being given for the change of number plate in Goldeneye was that the producers couldn`t use the original for legal reasons.”

DunphBoy007 and Tom Chappell seem to be on the right track, but are off slightly on the details.

DunphBoy007 writes: The “real” reason was that a private collector had bought the original Aston Martin used in Goldfinger, and it was in a private collection, so the producers decided to use a `similar` number plate.

Tom Chappell goes further: “Due to British laws a registration number may only be issued once, in the intervening years between Thunderball and Goldeneye the car may well have been lost or destroyed so the number could not be used, either that or someone made a pretty big goof up in production.”

I think Stuart Basinger gets is correct when he writes: “The licence plate BMT 216A was registered by the owner of the Aston Martin and could not be seen in the film since it is legally a registered licence plate. Even the owner was upset they could not use the plate. They chose to deviate the 6 into a 4.”

DunphBoy007 was right: it was part of a private collection. Tom Chappell was also right: British registration law was at the root of the problem. And Stuart Basinger correctly describes the producers remedy. So there you have it! Now you know what Bond switches license plates.